Julian2 Posted December 13, 2011 Report Share Posted December 13, 2011 What an excellent tool Google is. Put 'define an English person' into your search box. The truth and nothing but the truth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbaron Posted December 13, 2011 Report Share Posted December 13, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hamokhamok Posted December 14, 2011 Report Share Posted December 14, 2011 Cough Syrup ------------------------- The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Munchmaster Posted December 15, 2011 Report Share Posted December 15, 2011 Be careful what you purchase on eBay! My friend, Teddy, spent £50 on a penis enlarger. Bastards sent him a magnifying glass. Instructions said don't use in the sunlight! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Munchmaster Posted December 16, 2011 Report Share Posted December 16, 2011 I phoned the police the other day. "What's your emergency?" he asked. I said, "Two girls are fighting over me." "OK," he paused. "Well what's the problem?" "The fat one's winning." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Munchmaster Posted December 16, 2011 Report Share Posted December 16, 2011 I phoned my work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough." He said, "You have a wee cough?" I said, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Munchmaster Posted December 16, 2011 Report Share Posted December 16, 2011 I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping. I took my girlfriend into eight different pubs without buying a drink and then went back into the first one and bought a pint. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Munchmaster Posted December 17, 2011 Report Share Posted December 17, 2011 Wife says to her husband, "If you'd start riding that new bicycle I bought for you to work, we can get rid of the second car." He replies, "If you'd take it up the ass and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Munchmaster Posted December 17, 2011 Report Share Posted December 17, 2011 The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?" Apparently, "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julian2 Posted December 18, 2011 Report Share Posted December 18, 2011 1. Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're having sex with your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says, "Well the joke's on them, ‘cos Oi wasn't even at home yesterday." 2. Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Jaysus Paddy, what’re ye doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been gettin’ on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended Oi do something sexy to attracter.....†3. Paddy says to Mick, “Oi'm ready for a holiday, only this year Oi'm going to do it a bit different. T’ree years ago Oi went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. Two years ago Oi went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year Oi went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.†Mick asks, “So what are you going to do this year?†Paddy replies, “Oi'll take her wit’ me!" 4. Paddy goes to America for the 1st time, walking up 5th Avenue . He sees a building on fire and rushes over to see people stuck at the 4th floor windows. He shouts up, “Oi'm Paddy-John Dara O'Neill, the Oirish rugby player! Jump and Oi'll catch ye’sâ€. A girl jumps out and Paddy catches her, a guy jumps and Paddy gets him too. Then a black guy jumps and Paddy lets him hit the concrete, then shouts up, “Come on now folks, there's no point t’rowin down the burnt ones!! 5. Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year." Mick says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th." 6. Paddy & Mick find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police station. Mick: "What if one explodes, before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two." 7. Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him, "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and Oi’ve just feckin’ wet mine." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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