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I was going to the market today and took an air bus. Got thinking about something and suddenly realised I was at the end of the line. Had to walk back over a kilometer to where I was going. :(

 

On the other hand, I've been that way pretty much my entire life. My father's nickname in university was "the professor", because he was the swot. I was the absent minded professor who even forgot to take a final exam and had to go through a helluva lot of paper work to get to make it up so I wouldn't fail it. :p

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I booked a domestic flight for next month a day late recently. Not only did it cost me 750B to change it , the new one was a more expensive flight. :sad:

I've done some specular stuff in the past though, got the Dover to "Calais" ferry once and ended up in Belgium. :confused:

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I did not know this.....

When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure

 

When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,

 

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,

 

When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

 

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

 

Warn all your friends

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The 15 best stand-up jokes of 2011

 

IT’S been a funny old year for comedians in 2011 – with many of them getting in hot water for telling jokes too near to the knuckle. Frankie Boyle turned himself into a hate figure for making nasty remarks about Jordan’s disabled son Harvey, joking about her and ex-husband Peter Andre fighting over who would have to keep him. Jimmy Carr upset people with a joke about Downs Syndrome children, saying: “Why are they called Sunshine Variety coaches when all the kids look the same?†Then Ricky Gervais caused uproar when he put snaps of himself gurning on Twitter accompanied by phrases like, “good monging,†“two mongs don’t make a right,†and “my favourite drink is toilet.†Obviously those jokes are far too outrageous for us to repeat, unlike these best gags of the year.

 

“I farted in a lift… it was wrong on so many levels†Stewart Francis

 

“I DON’T want any fat people to feel uncomfortable at one of my gigs… so next time, buy two seats!†Ricky Gervais

 

“RONAN Keating had an affair with a woman who looks exactly the same as his missus. Who would do that? Only a member of Boyzone would do a cover version of his own wife.†Neil Delamere

 

“I’VE got a bag for life. She’s called my wife.†Vic Reeves

 

“I SAID to this Scottish bloke, ‘I know everything there is to know about places in Scotland.’ He said, ‘Motherwell?’ I said, ‘A bit of arthritis but she’s all right!’†Tim Vine

 

“I BOUGHT one of those anti bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say, ‘bought,’ I stole it off a short, fat, ginger kid!†Jack Whitehall

 

“THAT’S Victoria Beckham’s fourth baby by caesarean now. They may as well have just put in a hinge!†Jon Richardson

 

“A CHURCH in America is getting in trouble for running an organised prostitution ring out of it. That’s right, it’s a brothel and a church. They don’t just talk about a burning bush, they’ll give you one!†Russell Howard

 

<>“My TV remote had a button that said, ‘cinema sound.’ So I pressed it and a voice behind me went, ‘Put your head down you fat t**t!†Phil Jupitus

 

“AFTER Movember, how many women will do Fanuary? I don’t know. Let’s get Dickember out of the way first.†Ricky Gervais

 

“I BOOKED a holiday with my mate. The lady said, ‘queries?’ I said, ‘No, just good friends!’†Daniel Sloss

 

“PLAYING for Scotland is an oxymoron. Saying you’re an international footballer …for Scotland, is like being voted the most handsome man in the burns unit!†Frankie Boyle

 

“You don’t want to have the World Cup in the Middle East. If any matches go to sudden death, that’s just tempting fate!†Milton James

 

“Just watched a show about rimming. It was very tongue in cheek.†Jason Manford

 

“I’d loved to have had a gay dad. All that stuff at school, ‘My dad could batter your dad!’ ‘Oh my dad could batter your dad!’ ‘Listen! My dad will shag your dad… and your dad will enjoy it!’†Frankie Boyle

 

http://www.sundaysport.com/?p=3325

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CHRISTMAS

PARROT

 

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual

Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet,

which could sing famous Christmas carols.

 

This seemed like the perfect gift.

"How do I get him to sing?"

the young man asked, excitedly. "Simply

hold a lighted match directly under his feet" was the shop owner's

reply. The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began

to sing:

 

"Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..

.

"

The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot.

Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with:

 

 

"Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shopkeeper and ran home as quickly

as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was

overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied,

"But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter

and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him,

and Chet crooned:

 

 

"Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..."

The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came:

 

 

"Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What

if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not

know.

"Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife.

So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet

twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly

like it was the performance of his life:

 

 

Are you ready ? ? ?

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

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  • 2 weeks later...

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the

other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the

Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

 

 

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got

dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

 

 

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a

pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

 

 

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

 

 

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my

seeing-eye dog."

 

 

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

 

 

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

 

 

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

 

 

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing the bouncer that a

Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but

thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started

to walk in.

 

 

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

 

 

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

 

 

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

 

 

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a

fucking Chihuahua?!"

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