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A young man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. The poor fellow had no arms and no legs.

 

Three pretty young women, one English, one Scottish and the last Irish, strolled past. They saw him and stopped to speak.

 

The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man answered 'No', so she gave him a big embrace and squeezed his privates.

 

The Scottish woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a lingering smooch with tongue action.

 

The Irish woman stepped forward and asked, ''Ave ya ivver been fooked, laddie?' The man broke into a huge smile and shook his head in a vigorous 'No'.

 

She said, 'Then you will be when the tide comes in!'

 

 

 

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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

 

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:

In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions'.

 

'Onions?'

 

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

 

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

 

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases:

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

 

'A Christmas tree?'

 

'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

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Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

 

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

 

 

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

 

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

 

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

 

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .

'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'

 

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:

 

 

 

'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'

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Who was is who commented " A dog behaves as an inferior to humans,cats are superior,but look into the eyes of a pig and you will see your equal "....Personally I can`t stand dogs ....they seem to sense this and I have been bitten on several occasions :down:

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Who was is who commented " A dog behaves as an inferior to humans,cats are superior,but look into the eyes of a pig and you will see your equal "....Personally I can`t stand dogs ....they seem to sense this and I have been bitten on several occasions :down:

yes, a dog behaves as an inferior to humans; however if you get regularly bitten, the dogs seem to feel superior to you! :neener:

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