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Meanwhile, back at the topic ...





Bernie and Eddie were fortunate enough to have season tickets to watch Manchester United. They noticed there was always a spare seat next (K37) to them, and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket - especially if all three could have seats together.


One half-time Bernie went to the ticket office and asked if they could by buy the season ticket for K37. The official said that the ticket had been sold. Nevertheless, week after week the seat was still empty.


Then on Boxing day, much to their amazement, the seat was occupied for the first time that season.


Eddie could not resist asking the newcomer. 'Where have you been all season?'


The stranger replied, 'My wife bought the season ticket for me last summer, and she kept it as a surprise Christmas present!"









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The inventer of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.


At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'


Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.'


St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.


God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? 'Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'


God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'


Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes.'


'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!


1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension


2. It chatters constantly at high speeds


3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much


4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust, and


5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!


'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,'replied God, 'hold on.'


God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.


'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'

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About 32 years ago in the US, I was in my restaurant-worker days...busboy, waiter, bartender, host, you name it...


In one bar that I worked at in Chicago I met this waitress, and we stayed in touch after I left that bar...she and her husband did banquets (as in, catered the food and liquor for them), and it was good weekend money, so my wife at the time and I would sometimes work with/for them...


They had a black kid who worked for them...18, 19? Low education, from a poor Chicago background, nice kid, heart of gold...might have been a little "slow" too.


Anyway, when you're doing work like that, there's lots of down-time, and one day/night he busted out a joke. It was awesome...he was a master comic in his way, and it's stuck with me to this day:


It's English class in middle school, and the teacher calls up the students to each construct a sentence using the vocabulary word "auditorium" and say the sentence in front of the class.


First up is the white kid. Now, you have to realize, this low-educated, low-income black Chicago kid had the "impersonate the nerdy white kid" thing DOWN...think an Opey (Andy Griffith show) or Martin (Simpsons) impersonation, very gee-whiz and "aw, shucks" uber-earnestness:


"Gee, well, Pop took me to the auditorium to see the basketball game"...


Next up is the Chinese kid...and as you can imagine, our storyteller portrayed him in all the stereotypical glory of Chinese stereotypes:


"Ah, honorable fatha and I go to see exhibition at auditorium..."


Finally, the black kid gets called up in front of the class. At this point, the joke-teller kind of hunches over, starts slapping out a rhythm on his legs, and raps (well, the 1980 version of rapping, haha):


Big mama Lulu, biggest drawers in town

Couldn't get 'em up, and she couldn't get 'em down

...so she OUGHTTA TORE-Y 'EM...

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Suicide or Murder?


A tough looking group of bikers were out riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge,........ so they stopped and parked their Harleys.


T their leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"


"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.


While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked her..."Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"


So she does...and it was a long, deep, lingering, spine-tingling kiss.


After she's finished, the biker leader says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"


"Because my parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........".


The authorities think she may have been pushed !!!!!

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Yesterday I got my Tax Return "Returned".


I was trying to get a jump on doing my taxes this year, however, the

IRS sent my Tax Return back!!


I guess it was because of my response to the line, which said: "List

All Dependents"


So, I replied:

12 million illegal immigrants

3 million crack heads

42 million unemployable people on food stamps

2 million people in over 243 prisons

and 535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate. (Love this one!)



Apparently, this was NOT acceptable.


So I sent it back with a question "Did I forget someone?"

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An Irishman went to Confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.


'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'


The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'


Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'


This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'


'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.


'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.


At mass the next Christmas morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.


The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.


The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered,


'Is that Fanny Green?'


The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,


'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

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