Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
bust

Any New Jokes

Recommended Posts

If that was the case, then I can only assume that the Edinburgh jocks were Hearts or Hibs fans going to watch their team play either Rangers or Celtic in Glasgow. What the feck were the English fans doing. Did they support either Hearts or Hibs and if they did, what the feck where they doing living in Edinburgh?

 

Torneyboy has got some explaining to do :mad:

 

 

Yes never to reply to a munchie joke :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan.

 

Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

 

The rest of the world is in shock.

 

The United States is sending troops to help.

 

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

 

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

 

New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

 

The rest of the European community (except France) is sending money.

 

The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.

 

Australia is sending medical teams and supplies

 

The Brits, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Pakistanis!

 

God Bless British generosity!!!

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

 

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

 

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

 

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

 

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

 

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

 

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

 

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

 

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

 

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

 

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

 

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

 

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

 

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

 

So the genie and the woman went upstairs. Three hours later the genie rolled over, looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

 

He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An American Indian boy asked his father, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while my white friends have short names like Bill or Sam or Jack?"

 

His father replied, "My son, our names represent a symbol, a sign or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.

 

For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.

 

Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people. It's very simple and easy.

 

Now do you understand, Little Broken Condom Made in China?

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Investment tips for 2007

 

Investment tips for 2007 for all of you with any money left: Be aware of the next expected mergers, so you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations.

 

 

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:

 

Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

 

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:

 

Poly, Warner Cracker.

 

3.3M will merge with Goodyear and become:

 

MMM Good.

 

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:

 

ZipAudiDoDa

 

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:

 

FedUP

 

6.Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:

 

Fairwell Honeychild.

 

7.Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:

 

Poupon Pants.

 

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:

 

Knott NOW!

 

And finally............

 

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:

 

Titty Titty Bang Bang

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding meet the Mullah for counselling.

 

The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

 

The man asks, "We realize its a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."

 

"Absolutely not", says the Mullah, "itâ??s immoral. Men and women always dance separately."

 

"So after the ceremony, I canâ??t even dance with my wife?"

 

"No", answered the Mullah, "its forbidden in Islam."

 

"Well. OK", says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

 

"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage to have children!"

 

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

 

"No problem", says the Mullah.

 

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

 

"Sure", says the Mullah. "Go for it."

 

"Doggy style?"

 

"Sure!"

 

"On the kitchen table?"

 

"Yes, yes!"

 

"Can we do it with all my four wives together, on rubber sheets, with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porn video?"

 

"You may indeed!" replied the Mullah.

 

"Can we do it standing up?"

 

"Certainly not!", says the Mullah.

 

"But why not?" asks the man.

 

"Because that could lead to dancing", replied the Mullah.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...