Any New Jokes

[cavanami]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as

a Christmas gift...

 

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

 

When she asked me why, I replied,

 

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

 

And that's how the fight started.....

[cavanami]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

 

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

 

'No,' she answered.. I then said,

 

'Is that your final answer?'

 

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

 

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

 

And that's when the fight started...

[cavanami]

I took my wife to a restaurant.

 

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

 

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

 

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

 

"Nah, she can order for herself."

 

And that's when the fight started.....

[cavanami]

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my

lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the

boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential

downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather

would be bad all day.

 

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back

into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different

anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is

terrible."

 

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my

stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

 

And that's how the fight started...

[cavanami]

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

anniversary.

 

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in

about 3 seconds."

 

I bought her a bathroom scale.

 

And then the fight started......

[cavanami]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply

for Social Security.

 

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to

verify my age.

 

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at

home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have

to go home and come back later.

 

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

 

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

 

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for

me' and she processed my Social Security application.

 

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at

the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped

your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

 

And then the fight started...

[cavanami]

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

 

She asked, "What's on TV?"

 

I said, "Dust."

 

And then the fight started...

[cavanami]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school

reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his

drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

 

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

 

"Yes", she sighed,

 

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking

right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he

hasn't been sober since."

 

"Oh my!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?"

 

And then the fight started...

[Mekong]

Cavanami struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks, 'Where are you going?'

He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'

She says, 'Why, are you sick?'

He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'

Immediately the wife gets out of her rocker, gets her coat out of the closet and puts it on.

He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?

She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'

He says, 'Why, what do you need?'

She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'

 

And then the fight started....

[Flashermac]

Signs on the London Underground:

 

My link