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  • 2 weeks later...

With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving.

 

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I might be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

 

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a taxi they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.

 

 

"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.

"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl,

"Ten?" says the welfare worker.

"What are their names?"

"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.

"That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames"

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A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.

The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take that red one."

The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

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Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?

A. Granny.

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Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?

A. The bride.

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Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?

A. A bus shelter.

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Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is driving?

A. The policeman..

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Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?

A. Father's day

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Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Newcastle fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Newcastle fan?'

'Because my mum is a Newcastle fan, and my dad is a Newcastle fan, so I'm a Newcastle fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Newcastle fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

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A Scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing’.

We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters.

You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided.

The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.

The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

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Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disk.

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A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,

 

"You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:

 

BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets ,

 

BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,

 

BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck, ready to go.

 

 

"From now on when I say BELL 1

I want you to strip naked.

When I say BELL 2

I want you to jump in bed.

And when I say BELL 3

We are going to make love all night.

 

" The next night he came home from work and yelled

" BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

 

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.

 

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

 

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied "

YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

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Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch

speeding drivers, a Massachusetts state trooper sees a car puttering

along at 24 mph.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So

he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car,he notices that there are five elderly ladies -

two in the front seat, and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't

understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "24"

was the Route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the

woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, "is everyone in this car OK?

These women seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 128."

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With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving.

 

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I might be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

 

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a taxi they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

 

 

Good one.

 

On a somewhat similiar note.

Not a joke though.

The police here publish in the newspapers where and when they have the road blocks. Looking for DWI OUI or whatever.

 

And each time they catch about a dozen. Arrested and taken to the pokey.

 

They have a mobile large black oversized van off street. All the paperwork is done in the van. The fingerprints, picture, arrest, etc. Then straight to jail.

 

People just don't read the newspapers anymore.

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  • 2 weeks later...

A few to keep you going.

 

 

Wife comes home early and catches Hubby having a wank in the kitchen.

She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life.

Afterwards he says "We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this . . . Why ??"

She answers "I only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather clean my

teeth than get the fucking mop out again !!"

 

 

Newlyweds turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.

The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?"

Bride says "Well . . . I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse !!"

 

 

Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself.

He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh,

your fucking next !!"

 

 

Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge".

Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on

his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina.

"How does that feel?" he asks.

"Fucking lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear !"

 

 

An man wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said

"You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".

"1st - Who was born in a stable ?"

"Red Rum" he replied

"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"

"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.

"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"

"That's easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!".

 

 

Went out last night dressed to kill . . . Beard, sandals, turban and backpack.

 

 

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the

school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."

His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking

part !!"

 

 

The police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my wife.

They said "Is this your Wife Sir?" Shocked, I answered "Yes!". They said

"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident". I said "I know but

she has a lovely personality !"

 

 

Lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday.

Apparently refusing a Muslim entry to the pool whilst tapping the "No

bombing" sign isn't the done thing.

 

 

Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for

men with really small dicks ?"

Girl says "I don't think it's in yet"

He replies "Yeah, that's the one !!"

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