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I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.



My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault ..... I should have taken them off first.



I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night .......... or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.


I woke up this morning at 8.00 and could feel something was wrong.I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 10:30.


The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.I told her, "Only you ..... All the others kept me awake all night!"



My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed,

"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh!" I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"



A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.



I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.

It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

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He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ....... back and forth ..... back and forth ..... in and out ..... in and out.


She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.


Her heart was pounding ... her face was flushed ... then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.


Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,




"OK, OK! I can't park the f*cking car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!

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One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.


As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.


"Wow, David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the Postman commented.


David, in obvious pain, replied, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'."


The Postman thinks a moment and said, "How do you play 'WHO AM I?' ?"


" Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.."


The postman laughed and said, "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it."


"Probably a good thing you did," David responded."Your name came up 7 times."

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Catholic Hairdryer



In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin.

However, Instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the Truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:


Getting a hairdryer through Customs.


An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'


'Of course child. What may I do for you?'


'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.

It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'


'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'


'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'


When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'


'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'


The official thought this answer strange, so asked, and what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'


'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'


Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

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Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck

up a conversation. The black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and

said: "So why are you here ?"


The yellow Lab replied: "I'm a pee'er. I pee on everything.....the

sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night

when I peed in the middle of my owner's bed."


The black Lab said: "So what’s the vet going to do?"


"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab.

"They reckon it'll calm me down."


The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked: "Why are you here?"


The black Lab said: "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and

trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the

carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my

owners' couch."


"So what are they going to do to you?" the yellow Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected black Lab said.


The black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked: "Why are you here?"


"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the

cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I

see. I just can't help it."



Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to

dry her toes, and... I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and

started hammering away..."



The black and the yellow Labs exchanged glances and said together:

"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"


The Great Dane said: " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

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