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A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway

outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.


The driver rolls down the window and asks,

"What's going on?"


"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress,

and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.

Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline

and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car, collecting donations."


"How much is everyone giving, on an average?"

the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

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Greetings El Tel, welcome back to the fold.


PS Naebody on T360 is going to understand that joke, though it's a good un.


Huh! Says who? I got it, didn't even have to read it twice. Confession, I was once married to a soap opera addict. That rather explains the 'once'!

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Lexiphiles - Some examples - Fun & thought provoking

Daily English lesson



Lexiphiles (i.e., "lovers of words" you know . . . . like . . .. you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish . . . or,

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger . . . .. then it hit me . . .etc.).

To write with a broken pencil is . . . pointless.


When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . take debate.


A thief who stole a calendar . . . got twelve months.


When the smog lifts in Los Angeles . . . U.C.L.A.


The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes . . . was on shaky ground.


The batteries were given out . . . free of charge.


A dentist and a manicurist married . . . They fought tooth and nail.


A will is a . . . dead giveaway.


If you don't pay your exorcist . . . you can get repossessed.


With her marriage, she got a new name . . . and a dress.


Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you . . . A-flat miner.


You are stuck with your debt if . . . you can't budge it.


Local Area Network in Australia : . . . The LAN down under.


A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.


When you've seen one shopping center . . . you've seen a mall.


Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . . resisting a rest.


Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . . He's all right now.


If you take a laptop computer for a run you could . . .. jog your memory.


A bicycle can't stand alone; . . . it is two tired.


In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, . . . it's your Count that votes.


When a clock is hungry . . .. it goes back four seconds


The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered.


He had a photographic memory . . . which was never developed.


Those who get too big for their britches will be . . . exposed in the end.


When she saw her first strands of gray hair . . . she thought she'd dye.


Acupuncture: . . . a jab well done.

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Turner Brown

Skinny little white Newfie goes into an elevator, looks up and

sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the

little Newfie staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350

pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Newfie faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him..

The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me......


I'm 7feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles

weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Newfie says:

'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Thunderin Jeezus, I tought you said, 'Turn around!

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[A 50- something year old white woman arrived at her seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to a black man. Disgusted, the woman immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat. The woman said "I cannot sit here next to this black man." The fight attendant said "Let me see if I can find another seat." After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated "Ma'am, there are no more seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there is something in first class." About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated "The captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy, but there is one in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class, but being that it would be some sort of scandal to force a person to sit next to an UNPLEASANT person, the captain agreed to make the switch to first class." Before the woman could say anything, the attendant gestured to the black man and said, "Therefore sir, if you would so kindly retrieve your personal items, we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant person." Passengers in the seats nearby began to applause while some gave a standing ovation.

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David Letterman’s Top 10 Reasons why Golf is better than Sex...


#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.


#09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.


#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.


#07... Foursomes are encouraged.


#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.


#05... Three times a day is possible.


#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.


#03... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.


#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.


And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex......



#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

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