Jump to content

Any New Jokes


bust
 Share

Recommended Posts

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in the northern tip of Scotland. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

 

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Job Description

 

Someone once asked me, what is your job?"

 

I replied, “I am my wife's sexual advisor."

 

Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

 

"Very simple. The wife has told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask me for it?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

 

 

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince,

 

 

she happily sits upon her rocking chair,

 

 

watching the world go by from her front porch,

with a cat named Bob for companionship.

 

 

 

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere,

appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said,

"Fairy Godmother,

what are you doing here after all these years?"

 

 

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella,

you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.

Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed,

and after some thoughtful consideration,

she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.

I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks,

and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,

"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied,

"It is the least that I can do.

What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body,

and said,

"I wish I were young and full of the

beauty and youth I once had."

 

At once, her wish became reality,

and her beautiful young visage returned.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her

that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:

"You have one more wish;

what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat

in the corner and says:

"I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat,

into a kind, and handsome, young man."

 

Magically,

Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental

a change in his biological make-up,

that when he stood before her,

he was a man so beautiful,

the likes of him neither she,

nor the world, had ever seen.

 

 

 

The fairy godmother said,

"Congratulations, Cinderella,

enjoy your new life."

And with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,

the fairy godmother was gone

as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella

looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful,

stunningly perfect man, she had ever seen.

 

 

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella,

who sat transfixed in her rocking chair,

& held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close,

blowing her golden hair with his warm breath,

as he whispered ...

"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE MEDIUM

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

 

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

 

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

 

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself - and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

 

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

 

For some reason, women tend to like this joke ...

cleardot.gif

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A recent article in the Essex ‘Express & Star’ reported that a woman has sued her

local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost

all interest in sex.

 

A hospital spokesman replied,

“The man was actually admitted in Ophthalmology

- all we did was correct his eyesight...â€

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis with a weight on the end. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

 

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "how about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

 

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

 

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How's our little tribal experiment coming along?"

 

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

 

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

 

"No, it's turned black."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

For all Who Work With Rude Customers, isn't it a shame WE can't actually do this!

 

 

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

 

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,

"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

 

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.."

 

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM ?"

 

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

 

"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."

 

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,"F... You!"

 

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Unhappy Muslims -

 

I have to admit, this is brilliant...never heard it put this way...so to the point...plain and simple!!!

 

THE MUSLIMS ARE NOT HAPPY!;

 

They're not happy in Gaza ..

They're not happy in Egypt ..

They're not happy in Libya ..

They're not happy in Morocco ..

They're not happy in Iran ..

They're not happy in Iraq ..

They're not happy in Yemen ..

They're not happy in Afghanistan ..

They're not happy in Pakistan ..

They're not happy in Syria ..

They're not happy in Lebanon ..

 

SO, WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?;

 

They're happy in Australia .

They're happy in Canada.

They're happy in England ..

They're happy in France ..

They're happy in Italy ..

They're happy in Germany ..

They're happy in Sweden ..

They're happy in the USA ..

They're happy in Norway ..

They're happy in Holland .

They're happy in Denmark .

 

Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim and unhappy in every country that is!

 

AND WHO DO THEY BLAME?

 

Not Islam.

Not their leadership.

Not themselves.

 

THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!

 

AND THEN, they want to change those countries to be like....

 

THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...