Flashermac Posted March 2, 2013 Report Share Posted March 2, 2013 The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" ....... A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?" "No," she said, "Eight black guys and a gun." ...... A Catholic boy in confession said, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.†“That's a disgrace,†said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.†...... I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex. ...... After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Forget it, soldier on!†Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teddy Posted March 8, 2013 Report Share Posted March 8, 2013 A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hamokhamok Posted March 8, 2013 Report Share Posted March 8, 2013 THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS 1: I prefer breasts to legs. 2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3: Smother the butter all over the breasts. 4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 5: I've never seen a better spread! 6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change. 7: Are you ready for seconds yet? 8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10: Don't play with your meat! 11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 14: You still have a little bit on your chin. 15: How long will it take after you put it in 16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang. 18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had! 19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning. 20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hamokhamok Posted March 8, 2013 Report Share Posted March 8, 2013 Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.†Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.†Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.†Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?†It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about. A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off! Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, you're next!!" An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible". "1st - Who was born in a stable?" "Red Rum" he replied "2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?" "It kills 99% of all germs" he replied. "3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?" "That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!" Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years." His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!" Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue. Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too." Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now" 3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?" "No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!! Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?" Girl says "I don’t think it’s in yet" He replies "Yeah, that’s the one!" A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?" The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient". In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort". The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's beenconfiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hamokhamok Posted March 8, 2013 Report Share Posted March 8, 2013 Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction. The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees, I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face...... My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's his little face lit up when he tried to walk.. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage. I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!' Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore. Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready! Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!' Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Birmingham . I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!' Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flashermac Posted March 10, 2013 Report Share Posted March 10, 2013 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flashermac Posted March 13, 2013 Report Share Posted March 13, 2013 A man walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olive and placing it in a jar. When the jar was full, he started to leave. "S' cuse me", said a customer. "What was that all about?" The man replied, "My wife sent me for a jar of olives, and I figured I would make the most of it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flashermac Posted March 14, 2013 Report Share Posted March 14, 2013 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flashermac Posted March 15, 2013 Report Share Posted March 15, 2013 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flashermac Posted March 17, 2013 Report Share Posted March 17, 2013 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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