Any New Jokes

[Hamokhamok]

Be careful what you buy.

 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK

[Coss]

Be careful what you buy.

 

http://www.amazon.co...iews/B000KKNQBK

 

That is the funniest thing I've read in years, laughing in tears I was. I particularly like this paragraph:

 

I took off from the deckchair like Usain Bolt out of the TV adverts. Within 12 seconds, the bathroom was filled with steamy fetid barse broth, and I had the clock weights, biffin's-bridge and Sherriff's badge under ice-cold running water at the tap end of the bath. This did not please the missus, as she was relaxing in there at the time surrounded by floating petals and candles, although she did say that the sight of my ringpiece flashing like a brake light was impressive, and she was pleased to see that my arse barnacles had all but disappeared.

[Hamokhamok]

Restroom Poetry

 

 

 

The following are poems found inscribed in public restrooms

(fill in the blanks using your imagination):

 

Here I lie in stinky vapor,

Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,

Shall I lie, or shall I linger,

Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

 

 

Here I sit

Broken hearted

Tried to ****

But only farted

 

 

Here I sit

What a caper

I have to ****

But I'm out of paper

 

You're lucky

You had your chance

I tried to fart,

And **** my pants!

 

 

Some people come here to take a ****,

I came here to leave one.

 

 

Some come here to sit and think,

Some come here to **** and stink,

But I come here to scratch my balls,

And read the bull**** on the walls...

 

 

Here I sit, I'm at a loss

trying to **** out taco sauce.

When it comes, I hope and pray,

I don't blow my ass away

 

 

(Written high upon the wall)

If you can piss above this line,

the Hillsboro Fire Department wants you.

 

 

(Seen above a urinal)

Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal.

We don't piss in your ashtrays!

 

 

(Under a sign that said: "Employees Must Wash Hands")

I waited and waited, but I finally washed them myself.

[Flashermac]

 

 

Checking out at the grocery, the young cashier suggested to an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

 

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days." The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment or future generations."

 

She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

 

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were truly recycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

 

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, which we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags was using brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribbling. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. But too bad we didn't do the green thing back then.

 

We walked up stairs because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

 

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

 

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

 

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

 

Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

 

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty, instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back then.

 

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

 

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

[Specialist]

Some years back, I lived in Dallas for several years. Scarborough Faire, a local Renaissance fair, was held every year. There was a glassblowing shop, doing goblets, wine glasses, plates, and the like and I got to know the glassblowers, to the point that they remembered me and called me by name, even though we only saw each other a couple of times a year. (The fact that they were my go-to guys for wedding presents probably didn't hurt any.)

 

One day, someone said something about "recycling", and he pointed out that basic glass was nothing but sand and energy, and the best way to "recycle" glass bottles was to wash them and reuse them, as that was a LOT easier and cheaper than crushing them, melting them down, and making new bottles out of them.

[Coss]

In Saudi, and two neighbouring countries (I forget the names) famous for this:

 

 

 

They have banned this:

 

 

 

maybe protesters will start using this:

 

 

[Mekong]

Iraq, Jordon, Kuwait, Oman, Qatar UAE and Yemen are the seven countries that share a border with Saudi.

 

Spent too many years in that shithole so I know

 

 

 

Flash You Post is so True and I've not even hit 50 yet

[radioman]

I'm in that shithole right now, well Doha, kind of on the edge but still a shithole..Sill the money is, um, well just lets say it's enough. Walking in the souk last night I saw a shop selling those white masks, nearly bought a few to take home.

[Hamokhamok]

Sod it, let's offend everyone!

 

I came out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said "I've not eaten for two days." I told him "I wish I had your will power....".

 

 

 

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Young Blacks" and "Romanian Gypos" were not the correct answers.

 

 

 

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said "Sorry about the wait." I said "Don't worry dear, you might lose it eventually."

 

 

 

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said "Any change?". I said "No, you're still black".

 

 

 

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

 

 

 

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him "What's wrong?" The boy says "Me ma is dead". "Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you?" The boy replies "No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment."

 

 

 

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better!

 

 

 

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

 

 

 

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ....... I'm going to have that.

 

 

 

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him "Where am I ?"'

 

The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You can't fool me, you're in that basket up there."

 

 

 

I had a Trivia competition in the bag until the very last question ....... which I got wrong. The question was 'Where do women have the curliest hair?'. Apparently the correct answer was Fiji .

 

 

 

 

 

A woman has a medical at the Doctors. "You are grossly overweight" he says. "I want a 2nd opinion", she exclaimed "OK - you're bloody ugly as well"

[Flashermac]