Any New Jokes

[Flashermac]

[Flashermac]

[cavanami]

...so what's the problem

[Hamokhamok]

"Dogs Welcome"

 

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me.

He is well-groomed

And very well behaved.

Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:

 

 

SIR: "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.

I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly.

And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.

Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.

And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

[Hamokhamok]

 

A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for membership at a local golf club.

 

About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected.

 

He went to the club to inquire as to why.

 

Secretary:

You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

 

Scot:

Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish.

 

Secretary:

Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?

 

Scot:

Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.

 

Secretary:

You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?

 

Scot:

Aye, and neither do I.

 

Secretary:

Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?

 

Scot:

Aye, I also do the same.

 

Secretary:

But you are a Jew?

 

Scot:

Aye, I be that.

 

Secretary:

So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?

 

Scot:

Aye, I be that, too.

 

Secretary:

I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting

in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.

 

Scot:

Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.

And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus.

But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!

[Hamokhamok]

Children Writing About the Ocean.

They say (& write) the darndest things

 

 

Children Writing About the Ocean. The next time you take an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared.

 

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.(Kelly, age 6 )

 

2 ) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

 

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

 

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

 

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

 

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

 

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

 

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

 

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

 

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

 

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

 

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

 

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

 

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

 

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

[Flashermac]

[Flashermac]

[Flashermac]

IDIOT SIGHTING

 

I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400. I said, "May I have large bills, please"

 

She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."

 

---

 

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

 

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'

 

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

 

---

 

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

 

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'

 

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

 

He said, 'No, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'

 

We haven't used Sears repair since.

 

---

 

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

 

She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

 

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.

 

She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.

 

I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

 

Do not confuse the clerks at McDonald's.

 

---

 

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

 

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

---

 

I was at the airport checking in at the gate, when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

 

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

 

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

 

Happened in Birmingham, Alabama.

 

---

 

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

 

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

 

She was a probation officer in Wichita, Kansas

 

---

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'

 

Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

 

This was a at Texas Instruments.

 

---

 

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

 

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.

 

---

 

How would you pronounce this child's name? "Le-a"?

Leah?? ... NO

Lee - A? ... NOPE

Lay - a? ... NO

Lei? ... Guess Again.

 

The child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo . Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha".

 

When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "The dash don't be silent."

[Specialist]

I can't prove it, but I suspect that I was working at Texas Instruments when that story happened. We went through some ugly layoffs while I was there. (On second thought, it might have been before my time: I think I recall hearing the story from a coworker.)

 

There was also the insider joke: "What color is a temp worker's badge? Gold." At that time, TI used badge color to indicate longevity. Gold indicated 20+ years with the company, as I recall.

 

I realized things were seriously wrong at TI when I encountered a former coworker, a control systems Ph.D., at a local job search networking group. I'd been gone from the company for two years, and then had gotten caught in the Nortel meltdown. (TI has never recovered.)