Any New Jokes

[Flashermac]

[The_Munchmaster]

BRITISH AL-QAEDA TO GO ON STRIKE...

 

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

 

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut from 72 to only 45. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings, and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

 

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members, and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is very unfair."

 

Speaking from his lean-to in the West Midlands town of Tipton, where he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting wages, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my members that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

 

Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle, Middlesbrough, Essex and Glasgow stated that they would be unaffected, as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.

 

Apparently, the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are no longer so keen on going to paradise.

[The_Munchmaster]

The Fire Chiefs Reply

 

In South Los Angeles , a 4-plex home was destroyed by a fire.

 

A Mexican family of six, all welfare recipients and gang members, lived on the first floor. They died.

 

An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya , lived on the second floor. They, too, all perished.

 

Six LA, Hispanic, gang bangers & ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor. They, too, died.

 

A white couple lived on the top floor. They survived the fire.

 

Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious!! They flew into LA and met with the fire chief. On camera, they loudly demanded to know why blacks, Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and why only the white couple lived?

 

The Fire Chief replied, "Because they were at work."

[Mekong]

The Fire Chiefs Reply

 

In South Los Angeles , a 4-plex home was destroyed by a fire.

 

A Mexican family of six, all welfare recipients and gang members, lived on the first floor. They died.

 

An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya , lived on the second floor. They, too, all perished.

 

Six LA, Hispanic, gang bangers & ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor. They, too, died.

 

A white couple lived on the top floor. They survived the fire.

 

Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious!! They flew into LA and met with the fire chief. On camera, they loudly demanded to know why blacks, Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and why only the white couple lived?

 

The Fire Chief replied, "Because they were at work."

 

It's an old joke but it still makes me smile!

[Mekong]

A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip to the Casino, Surfer's Paradise .

 

An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'

 

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.

 

A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting these old ladies?

 

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.

 

The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area.

 

When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

 

'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.

 

'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!'

[The_Munchmaster]

Q. What's the difference between jam and jelly?

A. You can't jelly your dick in a girl's mouth.

[Flashermac]

“We wanted a president that listens to all Americans - now we have one†- Jay Leno

[Flashermac]

[Flashermac]

A doctor toild a man, "I have some good news and some bad news for you."

 

The man said, "Give me the good news first."

 

"They're going to name a disease after you."

[Hamokhamok]

My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some we hadn’t seen for quite a while, and everyone was encouraged to bring their children as well.

All during dinner my wife’s best friend’s four-year-old stared at me sitting across from her.

The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.

I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in

place but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me.

I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."