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The morning Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped to visit an octogenarian friend. I found him busy painting his manhood with liquid shoe polish.

 

I told him, "You need get your hearing checked. You're supposed to turn your clock back!"

 

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At a Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled, "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

 

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

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Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stout. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stout?"

Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stout last night and when I came round I was f*****g skint."

Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."

Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

 

Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk".

Husband says "that's not true .. sometimes I want a kebab"

 

An Aussie and a Yank aid worker are helping out at the Japan nuclear disaster.

Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"

"No," he replies, "Queensland."

"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.

"Pretty much the same as this f****n' place!"

An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Bundaberg.

The locals are said to be in a state of shock........They had no idea they had a Job Centre!

 

A man approaches a young woman in a shop.

He says "I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"

The woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?"

"Not a clue," he says, "but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere!"

 

The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out to help with the nuclear disaster.

They said they were delicious!

 

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a "roger". It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my tallywacker out, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!

 

Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve"

Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy and daddy said we came from the apes."

Teacher: "Stay out of this one Abdul, I'm not talking about your lot."

 

 

 

I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great !

 

She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex

 

once since the first beating.....

 

 

A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence.

After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the field were you before you realised it was caught?"

 

Sky news report.

 

The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.

They sent in three ships - two full of sand and one full of cement.

It was a mortar attack.

 

The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?

I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . .

"What trick?" she asked?

"The one where you shut up and go to sleep!"

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Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her

husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his

wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

 

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife

he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's

10 best friends. Eight confirmed he had slept over, and two said he

was still there.

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I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing arse -backwards.

 

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35..

 

 

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

 

 

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are normally bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some arsehole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..

 

 

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

 

 

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

 

 

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

 

 

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any press-ups after completing basic training.

 

 

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

 

 

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

 

 

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

 

 

Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off

old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

 

 

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

 

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