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Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking:



Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"


Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?"


Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

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One way of sorting out the do-gooders!!


This is brilliant and shows just how bloody dumb these do gooders are.


A Canadian female libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian

government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents

(terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System

facilities. She demanded a response to her letter correspondence.

She received back the following reply:


National Defense Headquarters

M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT

101 Colonel By Drive

Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2



Dear Concerned Citizen,


Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern

of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by

Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan

Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in

Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were

heard loud and clear here in Ottawa . You will be pleased to

learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are

creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense,

to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or

L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided

to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for

transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto

next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him

Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally

demanded in your letter of complaint! It will likely be necessary for

you to hire some assistant caretakers.

We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of

care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended

in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we

hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal

problem' will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are

correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.

We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat

and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or

nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to

demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. Please advise any

Jewish friends, neighbors or relatives about your house guest,

as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can

reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of

explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to

keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion)

this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except

sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property thereby

having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a

particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known

to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new

dress code that he will "recommend" as more appropriate attire. I'm

sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over

time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his

culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like

you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our

fellow man.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.

Good luck and God bless you.




Gordon O'Connor


Minister of National Defense

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Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stout. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stout?"

Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stout last night and when I came round I was f*****g skint."

Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."

Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."



Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk".

Husband says "that's not true .. sometimes I want a kebab"



An Aussie and a Yank aid worker are helping out at the Japan nuclear disaster.

Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"

"No," he replies, "Queensland."

"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.

"Pretty much the same as this f****n' place!"


An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Bundaberg.

The locals are said to be in a state of shock........They had no idea they had a Job Centre!



A man approaches a young woman in a shop.

He says "I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"

The woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?"

"Not a clue," he says, "but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere!"



The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out to help with the nuclear disaster.

They said they were delicious!



My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a "roger". It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my tallywacker out, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!



Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve"

Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy and daddy said we came from the apes."

Teacher: "Stay out of this one Abdul, I'm not talking about your lot."





I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great !


She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex


once since the first beating.....




A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence.

After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the field were you before you realised it was caught?"



Sky news report.


The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.

They sent in three ships - two full of sand and one full of cement.

It was a mortar attack.



The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?

I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . .

"What trick?" she asked?

"The one where you shut up and go to sleep!"


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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.


On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'


'About 32,' is the reply.'


'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.


A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.


The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'


The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'


Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.


The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'


Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'


While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.


He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'


They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'


He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.


After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'


He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'


Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'


The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'


'I promise I won't' she says.


'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

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Fifty Sheds Of Grey


We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall.but in the end we came to the conclusion

the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.




She stood before me, trembling in my shed.

“I’m yours for the night,†she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.â€

So I took her to Bunning’s.




She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.

I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.




Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.

She still manages to get into the shed, though.




“Put on this rubber suit and mask,†I instructed, calmly.

“Mmmm, kinky!†she purred.

“Yes,†I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.â€




“I’m a very naughty girl,†she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.â€

So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.




“Harder!†she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!â€

“Okay,†I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?â€




I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.

Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.




“Are you sure you can take the pain?†she demanded, brandishing stilettos.

“I think so,†I gulped. “Here we go, then,†she said, and showed me the receipt.




“Hurt me!†she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.

“Very well,†I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.â€




“Are you sure you want this?†I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.â€

She nodded.

“Okay,†I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay.




“Punish me!†she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!â€

well,†I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

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