Any New Jokes

[Flashermac]

[Hamokhamok]

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They

rediscover each other via Friends Reunited and arrange to meet for lunch.

 

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of

Pinot Grigio.

 

Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the

initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

 

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.

She too shares the wine.

 

Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she

met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is

a partner in one of London's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft

apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school.

They have a second home in Portugal.

 

Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become

a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial

investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and

have a second home in Italy.

 

Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her

boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own

vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.

 

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts

out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco, they live in a small

apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive.

 

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that

she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home.

They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent.

 

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

[Hamokhamok]

NOT PC BUT HERE GOES ANYWAY

 

It has been announced that the police are going to be

allowed to use water! cannons on rioters. They are putting

some Persil in to stop the coloureds running.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London ...

Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

 

Ngogo Mwambi has to travel 5 miles every day for fresh water,

7 miles every day for food & 10 miles every day for

medicine for him & his family.. This is because the daft

bastard and all his mates torched the Peckham Spar,

Tottenham KFC and Hackney Medical Centre and now

he has to walk to Croydon for his breakfast.

 

 

Riots in Wythenshawe last month caused over a

million pounds worth of improvements.

 

 

Muslims have gone on the rampage in Liverpool, killing

anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as

high as 1.

 

 

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her

eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I

saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just

on standby...

 

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in

Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester ,

Luton and London .. Apparently the giant couldn't smell any

Englishmen.

 

Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the

doctor away." But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've

found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!

 

 

A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant.

"He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any

so I gave him an entire box of laxatives."

"You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't treat a cough with laxatives."!

"Of course you can" the assistant replied,

"Look at him..........he daren't cough now!!"

[Hamokhamok]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found her self staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[Hamokhamok]

 

 

 

 

A rugby-union fan is drinking in a Cardiff bar, when

he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning

from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for

everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given

birth to a typical Welsh baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

 

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25

pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's

about average in Wales ... like I said, my boy's a

typical Welsh baby boy. Going to be a rugby player.'

 

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid

many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually

fainted away with sympathy pains.

 

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender

says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Welsh

baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?

Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in

two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'

 

The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'

The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little

suspicious. 'Twenty pounds? What happened? He already weighed 25

pounds the day he was born!'

 

The Welsh man takes a slow swig of his Leek’s Bitter Beer,

wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender

and proudly says, 'Had him circumcised...'

[Hamokhamok]

A lady walked into a London Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there,

removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

 

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Australian Cricketer".

“That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

[Flashermac]

[Flashermac]

It's cheap enough.

 

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/White-Hard-Back-Cover-Case-For-Samsung-Galaxy-Ace-S5830-I-Love-Clunge-/190781864549?pt=UK_MobilePhones_MobilePhonesCasesPouches&hash=item2c6b7c3a65

[Hamokhamok]

 

 

Every day, a male co

-

worker walks up very close to a

lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air

and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes

her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and

states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this

decision and asks, 'What's sexually threatening about a co

-

worker

telling you your hair smells nice ?'

The woman replies, 'It's Keith , the dwarf.'*

[Hamokhamok]

Einstein was born

March 14, 1879

.

He would be nearly 132 if he were alive today.

Few people remember that he married his cousin,

Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage failed in 1919.

 

At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa "because she was so well endowed".

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even

stronger if there is a DNA connection.

 

This came to be known as Relative Titty