Any New Jokes

[unit731]

Still classic.

 

http://youtu.be/npjOSLCR2hE

[Flashermac]

[Flashermac]

[bust]

Farking hilarious......... :rotl: :rotl:

 

http://seriouslyforreal.com/funny/dear-neighbor-2/

[Hamokhamok]

Some old, some new groans!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

 

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

 

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

 

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

 

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

 

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

 

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

 

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

 

------------------------------------------------------------

Lemon Squeeze

 

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

 

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

 

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

 

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

 

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

 

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Catholic Dog

 

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin’ a mass for the poor creature?'

 

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

 

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

 

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic?

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Donation

 

Father O'Malley answers the phone.

'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

 

'It is!'

 

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

 

'I can!'

 

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

 

'I do!'

 

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

 

'He is!'

 

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

 

'He will.'

 

------------------------------------------------------------

Confession

 

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

 

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.'

 

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

 

Man: 'What sins?'

 

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

 

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

 

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

 

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .

.

.

. I'm telling everybody!'

 

------------------------------------------------------------

Brothel Trip

 

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

 

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

 

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realise that you've had it?'

 

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

 

------------------------------------------------------------

Senility

 

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

 

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

 

------------------------------------------------------------

Pest Control

 

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

 

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

 

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

'Who are you?' he asked him.

 

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

 

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

 

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

 

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

 

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!

'

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Marriage Humor

 

Wife:

'What are you doing?'

 

Husband:

Nothing.

 

Wife:

'Nothing

.

.

.

? You've been reading our marriage

certificate for an hour.'

 

Husband:

'I was looking for the expir

y

date.'

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Wife

: 'Do you want dinner?'

 

Husband:

'Sure! What are my choices?'

 

Wife:

'Yes or no.'

 

------------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever

 

Girl:

'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

 

Boy:

'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

 

Girl:

'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

 

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

 

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Husbands are husbands

 

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

 

'What was that for?' the man asked.

 

The wife replied

,

'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your trouser pocket.’

 

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week

,

Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on

.

'

 

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

 

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

 

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

 

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

[huumlaar]

That was a great collection!

[Flashermac]

Here is a true story reported by an British guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test. The British guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was as pis*ed as a fart.

 

The Policeman signaled to him to wind down the window then asked him if he had been drinking. With a slurring speech the British guy replied; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.' 'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.' 'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's Black Label.'

 

Getting impatient the Policeman warned him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?

 

The Brit, with a grin on his face, replied: 'Do you understand that I'm British, like my car, which is right-hand-drive, and that my wife is actually sitting in the other seat, which is the one behind the steering wheel?'

[Hamokhamok]

The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey†has

 

seduced women and baffled blokes.

 

 

 

Now, Fifty Sheds Of Grey,

 

offers a treat for the men.

 

 

 

 

The book's author Colin Grey

 

recounts his love encounters

 

 

at the bottom of the garden.

 

 

 

 

Here are some extracts...

 

Fifty "Sheds" Of Grey

 

 

We tried various positions – round the back,

 

on the side, up against a wall.

 

 

 

But in the end we came to the conclusion

 

the bottom of the garden was the

 

only place for a good shed.

 

----------------------------------------------------

 

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.

“I’m yours for the night,†she gasped,

 

 

“You can do whatever you want with me.â€

So I took her to Bunnings.

 

 

----------------------------------------------------

 

She knelt before me on the shed floor

 

and tugged gently at first, then harder

 

 

Until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure.

 

 

Now for the other boot.

 

----------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy

 

all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.

 

 

She still manages to get into the shed, though.

 

-----------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 

 

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,†I instructed, calmly.

“Mmmm, kinky!†she purred.

“Yes,†I said, “You can’t be too careful with

 

all that asbestos in the shed roof.â€

 

 

-----------------------------------------------------

 

 

“I’m a very naughty girl,†she said, biting her lip.

 

“I need to be punished.â€

So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

 

-----------------------------------------------------

 

“Harder!†she cried, gripping the workbench tightly.

 

 

“Harder!â€

“Okay,†I said.

 

“What’s the gross national product of

 

 

Nicaragua?â€

 

 

-----------------------------------------------------

 

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.

 

Despite my concerns about my inexperience,

 

 

my rhubarb had come up a treat.

 

 

----------------------------------------------------

 

“Are you sure you can take the pain?†she demanded,

 

brandishing stilettos.

“I think so,†I gulped.

 

“Here we go, then,†she said and showed me the receipt.

 

 

----------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 

 

“Hurt me!†she begged, as she bent over my workbench.

“Very well,†I replied.

 

“You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.â€

 

 

--------------------------------------------------

 

“Are you sure you want this?†I asked.

 

“When I’m done, you won’t be able

 

 

to sit down for weeks.â€

 

She nodded.

 

 

“Okay,†I said, putting the three-piece

 

lounge suite on eBay.

---------------------------------------------------

 

“Punish me!†she cried.

 

“Make me suffer like only a real man can!â€

“Very well,†I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

[Flashermac]

The 50 Funniest Auto-Correct Fails

 

 

http://www.complex.com/tech/2012/12/50-funniest-auto-correct-fails/cum-in-hair

[163]

I thought I'd surprise the post lady this morning so I went to the door naked and put my cock through the letterbox.

 

I don't know what surprised her more, my cock through the letterbox or the fact I knew where she lives..!!