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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife

dressed in a very sheer nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can

do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.



A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and

ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her

lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff

or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'






Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always

right, and the other is a husband.






A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's

license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician

showed him a card with the letters



'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the

optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'




Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the

convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired

of chardonay.






A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said,

'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many

at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my

gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen

to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you

CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you

always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The

wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I

don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I

just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'



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A man named Leroy is drinking in a bar and President Bush is giving an address on the radio in the background. Leroy looks at the bartender and says, "Yeah, me and George go a long way back, used to hang out together and do alot of fun things before he became President..." The bartender looks at him and tells him he doesn't believe him. Leroy asks for the phone, dials the White House and asks for "George". He talks for awhile joking and laughing and presently hands the phone to the bartender who is flabbergasted to be talking to the President of the United States.


A couple of weeks later, Leroy comes back into the bar. They are watching a golf tournament and Tiger Woods comes on the screen for a putt. Leroy is like "Yeah, ole Tiger and I go way back..." At this the bartender figures Leroy is full of it so he bets him twenty dollars that Leroy is trying to put one over on him. Leroy grabs the phone and dials and presently is talking animatedly with someone who seems to be named Tiger. Bartender steals a glance at the TV screen and sure enough, Tiger is talking on a cellular phone; Leroy hands over the phone and the bartender just shakes his head as he discovers that sure enough, it is Tiger on the phone and hands over his twenty dollars.


About a week later Leroy comes in once again and this time the Pope is on the television giving a televised benediction. Leroy is like "Yeah, the Pope and I go way back, to before he became Pope". Now the bartender is sure that he has him. After the bet the men purchase flights and head for Rome for the moment of truth because the bartender is thinking the phone won't be good enough for this one.


They are standing in the crowd at the Vatican watching the Pope and as the Pope finishes the Mass, Leroy works his way through the crowd, up the steps, and the bartender is amazed to see him shake hands and the conversation appears to be that which would be expected between long acquaintances.


Presently, Leroy and the Pope come out into the crowd to meet the bartender and Leroy sees the bartender sprawled flat on his back, passed out cold, and looking pale. He splashes water over his face and shakes him until the bartender finally starts to come out of it. "What happened?" asked Leroy.


The bartender replied: "While you were talking to his holiness, some little old lady tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I knew who that was up there talking to Leroy..."

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You must have had one too many last night to celebrate your birthday, that jokes on this thread twice already :neener:


Here's one...



A man is walking by an insane asylum and hears all the residents chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"


Quite curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence, looks in and someone pokes him in the eye.


Everyone in the asylum starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

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Shamelessly lifted from a car forum....apologies if you've heard it before


While I was flying down the road yesterday, I passed over a bridge only

to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in the wait.The

cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic

patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which I replied,

"I'm late for work."

"Right," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a

rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up

to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I

work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but

surely stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide."


"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"


To which I politely replied," You give him a radar gun and park him

behind a bridge."


Traffic Ticket....£95.00

Court Costs....£45.00

The look on the cops face....PRICELESS!!!

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A Scotsman walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase we Scotsmen normally use so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.


When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was who told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a Scottish soldier standing in there at attention?"


The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags!!! .



hope you had fun .....jimmy





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Earl and Bob, two good old boys, were sitting in a boat on the Tennessee River - fishin', smokin' their pipes, and drinkin' whiskey.


Suddenly, Bob spoke up. "Ya know, I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She ain't said a word to me in over 2 months now."


Earl sipped his whiskey, thought a while, and then replied. "You better think that over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find."



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How to make a Scottish Fruitcake!



You'll need the following:

1 cup of water

1 cup of sugar

4 large brown eggs

2 cups of dried fruit

1 teaspoon of salt

1 cup of brown sugar

Lemon juice

1 cup of nuts

1 bottle of whiskey.


Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway??



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