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What do you call an Afghani who owns a camel and a goat?

Bisexual.

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What's the difference between an Afghani Military Base and a Pakistani Elementary School?

I don't know, I just fly the drone.

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We had an outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down. Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

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What is the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

 

I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face

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* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable? "

The man says, "I make a good living.

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* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

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* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

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* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

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* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

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* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea .

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* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one

who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

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* My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

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* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor

gave him another six months.

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* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."

Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

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* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

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* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?

"The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

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* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!"

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* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking.

"The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

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*Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

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* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

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*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese

food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton

spelled backward is Not Now.

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*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.

In Jewish tradition, the foetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.

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Q : Why don't Jewish mothers drink?

A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

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*Q : Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?

A : It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."

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*Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?

A : They never let anyone finish a sentence.

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*A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak. "The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days. "The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? "The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."

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*A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.

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*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.

She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband.

"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

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Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?

A : Under the vacuum cleaner.

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Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

A : (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark.

I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

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Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

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A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday.

On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says, "What's the matter already?

Didn't you like the blue one?"

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Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said,

"Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

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Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?

A : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

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Q : Why are Jewish Men circumcised?

A : Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off

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No, not understanding!

 

 

Henry (Henny) Youngman was a stand-up comedian that was once dubbed The King of One-Liners.

 

Perhaps the quintessential New York Jewish comedian, Youngman (1906-1998) was actually born in Liverpool, England but moved to New York City at six months. Youngman’s work started in a print shop; after learning the trade, he started to publish comedy cards with some of his original lines that would eventually bring him great fame.

 

...

 

Here are ten of his quick bits, among very many.

 

10. Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

 

9. There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

 

8. While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

 

7. Those two are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.

 

6. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

 

5. My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

 

4. My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

 

3. My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

 

2. She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

 

1. I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

 

OOPS! I can’t resist one slightly longer one:

 

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says “Do what I do. I put my head on my wife’s bosom, and the headache goes away.†The next day, the man says, “Did you do what I told you to?†“Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!

 

 

http://www.jewocity.com/blog/top-10-one-liners-of-henny-youngman-thursday’s-top-ten-list/635

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