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I was watching a elderly couple on the next table in my local café.They had between them a single piece of toast and one cup of tea.The man cut the toast into two and pushed it to the lady who took a piece ,he then poured half of the tea into a empty cup and passed it the lady. I leant over and said to him that was so nice of him . "oh we share everything " "yes I noticed that but you haven't touched your piece of the toast yet." No Im waiting for the teeth.

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A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

“Are you the manager?†she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no,†the man replies.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,†she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

 

“Can’t,†breathes the bartender. “He’s not here. Is there anything I can do?â€

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,†she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips and slowly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?†the bartender manages to say.

“Tell him,†she whispers, “there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room..

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When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, though rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient’s wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

 

“How long will he be on crutches?†she asked.

“Crutches???†the doctor asked.

“Well, yes,†the woman said “You are going to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?â€

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During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.

After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he’d come across was, er, female juices.

“But you’re balder than I am,†protested the customer.

 

“True,†admitted the barber, “but you’ve gotta admit I’ve got one hell of a mustache!â€

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This kid walks into a general store one day and asks for a job. The owner tells him that he doesn’t need any help. The kid is persistent so the guy tells him to watch him when the next customer comes in. If he can do what he does, he’ll give him a job.

A few minutes later a customer comes in. “Good afternoon sir. What can I do for you?†The guy says, “I need some grass seed.†So the owner goes and gets it. When he gets back he says, “How about a lawn mower to go with this.†“What do I need a lawn mower for?†“Well when the grass grows your going to need something to cut it with.†“Yea, OK, I’ll take a lawn mower too.†After the customer was gone, the owner turned to the kid and said, “That’s how it’s done. Can you do that?†The kid said, “Sure.â€

 

So the next customer comes in and says, “I need some Tampax.†The kid says, “Yes sir.â€, and goes after them. When he gets back he says, “Would you like a lawn mower to go with that?†The guy says, “What the hell do I need a lawn mower for?†The kid replies, “You might as well cut the grass cause your weekend is fucked anyway !!!!!

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A student asked his professor to explain what a dilemma was.

 

The professor said, “I'll use an example to illustrate this. Imagine you are lying in bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side of you and a naked gay man on the other. Which one are you going to turn your back on?â€

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Wrong Email

 

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

 

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

 

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

 

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

 

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: 16 May 2003

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

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BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THIS HAPPENED TO ME JUST YESTERDAY!

 

I was beaten up by this woman ... I was in an elevator

when this very busty lady got in.

I was staring at her boobs, when she said,

"Would you please press 1?"

So I did...and I don't remember much afterwards........

 

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