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Katie Price is like a toilet at Glastonbury.

Full of shit and constantly engaged.

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What is the difference between Panties & a Stage curtain?

When you pull down the stage curtain, the show is over, but when you pull down the Panties….. it's showtime..

 

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Katie Price has been rodgered more times than a police radio..

 

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Snow white as been sacked from disneyland, alligations are flying around, she sat on pinnocios nose, and said, .... lie ya bastard , lie

 

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Signboard outside a prostitute’s house:

Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy'.

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I suspect my sex mad, dyslexic idiot of a boyfriend in fucking about on me.

I keep finding scribbled notes with "I love Jenny Talia" all over the house...

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A naive paddy was walking through London's soho district. He was a strapping big lad and a tart took a fancy to him and decided to give him a freebie. They went back to her pad and she sussed out that he hadn't a clue. However, he took to it like a duck to water and gave a good account of himself. She said to him, we'll have a 69er. "WHAT THE FUCK'S THAT" he says. She explained the whole procedure to him and he said "Sure it will do no harm" At it they went. After a couple of minutes, she farted. "Oh for fucks sake" he says but gamely carries on. Another fart was emitted, but he fanned it away and carried on. Then a particularly loud fart escaped . Paddy jumped up and said "SORRY MISS, BUT I COULDN'T STICK ANOTHER 66 OF THOSE !"

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Oscar Pistorius had a previous conviction in 2011. It was for drunken driving------------ HE WAS FINED 500 RAND AND DISMANTLED FOR 12 MONTHS.

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A guy picked a tasty bird up in a pub. they drank all afternoon and then went back to her house. they had sex all night. the guy eventually fell asleep. at about 3am he wakened to find her fondling him. "are you looking for more sex ?" he asked. "no" she said, " i'm just admiring your cock........I REALLY MISS MINE "

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After suggesting an early night with a sultry wink I was lying in bed watching my wife getting undressed.

I said to her "Don't take the shoes off babes"

As she climbed onto the bed on all fours she replied "Does that do it for you honey?"

 

"Not really," I replied "but after this you'll need to nip back down and put the bins out"

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A women goes to her doctors and says to him I have found 3 lumps up my fanny,the doctor gets her to lie on the bed and he has a feel at her fanny.

When he finishes the examination he says there is three lumps about the size of large marbles ,he puts the head lamp on and takes a closer look,after a minute he pops his head up and says there green.

He goes to his text books and looks for 3 green lumps the size of marbles,after a hour he is completely baffled of what they could be.He finally asks the lady what she does for a living,I'm a prostitute she says.slamming the book shut he says I no what it is.

Is it serious she asks,no he says,do you no when boxers have been fighting for years and they get cauliflower ears,she says yes,he says you have brothel sprouts.

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I'm not saying Katie Price has a slack fanny..

But she only realised she was six months pregnant when she noticed footprints in her knickers.

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Three young lads were standing outside one of their houses chatting. Parked close by were an Aston Martin, a Ferrari and a Lamborghini. One lad said "when I finish my education, I am going to become a barrister and have one of those Astons" The second lad said, "Im going into banking and have a Ferrari" The third lad said, " I'M going to learn to suck cocks, because thats what my sister does and those are her three cars"

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Gerry Adams has being arrested on suspicion of being involved in a murder....

That's like suspecting Jordan of being a slut,

Or Piers Morgan of being a cunt.

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A mother and her dyslexic son are out for the day when he asks if he can have a McDonald's for lunch.

"Only if you can spell 'McDonalds'," she replies smugly.

"Fuck it," he says. "KFC it is!"

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I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

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I just gave my wife a dozen roses.

Chubby bitch ain't having the rest of the tin though!!..

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A judge was interviewing a blonde woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little house in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

 

"It's made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed a garage."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Madam, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Madam, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

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Two old men talking in a pub . One told the other that he'd been married 3 times . First wife died after eating poisoned mushrooms . Second wife also met the same fate . What about the third wife ? Oh she was strangled .....................wouldn't eat her mushrooms !

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Native American, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarussian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans.............Walk into an upmarket restaurant.

 

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.

 

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"You can't come in here without a Thai"

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How Football Sounds To People That Don't Care. This Guy Nails It.

 

 

Firstly, imagine every time within a day that football is mentioned by someone else. Secondly, replace it with something that you don't want to hear about every day. Say... Archaeology. Then, think carefully about how an average day would pan out.

 

So, you awaken to the clock radio. It's 7AM. Just as you awaken, it's time for the news and archaeology already. Not news and other historical investigations, like library restorations or museum openings (unless there's another event happening), but just the news and archaelogy. Malaysian plane is still missing. Pistorius is still on trial. New dig announced in Giza. Ancient Mayan temple discovered. Exciting stuff.

 

Time for a bite to eat over the morning TV. More news. More archaeology. Yes, you are aware of what is up with the missing plane. Fine. Now the archaeology in video format. Video of people dusting off some skulls and bits of pottery. All well and good, but archaeology isn't your thing. It would be nice to hear about something else.

 

Even when it isn't archaeology season, the media follow noted archaeologists. They drive fast cars, date beautiful women, advertise fragrances, and sometimes they go to nightclubs and act in the worst possible way. Scandals erupt as the tabloids follow these new celebrities when they're not searching the past for answers. It is entirely possible you can recite the names of certain researchers, even if you don't pay attention to archaeology. You don't know what transfer season is, but you know that someone was transferred to a dig in Peru for a sum of money that could fund the London Underground for two whole days.

 

Out of the car at 8:55 and into work. What are the colleagues talking about, I wonder? Oh, Jones dropped a 3,890 year old pot and smashed it? What a useless wanker! Someone should do something unpleasant to him. And don't even ask about the unfortunate incident in Athens two years ago - you'll be there all day! Breaking a pillar like that! We don't talk about that here, mate. What? You don't want to discuss the finer points of the prevalence of phallic imagery in Pompeii? Is there something wrong with you?

 

The drive home from work. Every thirty minutes, no matter the station, someone mentions the archaeology. Best sit in silence. Drive past a huge billboard with a black and white picture of a rakishly handsome archaeologist draped over an impossibly beautiful woman. He's winking at you. Trowel in his left hand, supermodel in the right. Jurassic, by Calvin Klein.

 

And now the pub. A nice pub with a beer garden. Posters in the windows. LIVE EXCAVATION AT THE VALLEY OF THE KINGS! All of it on a huge TV with the volume up too loud. Drunken people yelling at the screen. "SEND IT FOR CARBON DATING, YOU USELESS ***K!" "WHAT ARE YOU ON, MATE? DUST THE ANCIENT MEDALLION GENTLY! SMELTING METHODS OF THE TIME PRODUCED VERY SOFT AND IMPURE METALS EASILY PRONE TO DISFIGURATION!" All this from two men out of a crowd of twenty. One lousy drunken idiot and his chum ruin the image of other archaeology fans. Carbon dating report from the lab updates on TV, read by a man employed because they've been following the beautiful science since they were a boy. The drunk chimes in again. "WHAT PHARAOH'S REIGN DID YOU SAY? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS SAYS ABOUT THE UNDERPINNINGS OF OUR THEORY OF AGRICULTURAL DEVELOPMENT OF 4TH BC EGYPT? GET IN, MATE!" A cheer cascades through the building and you can only wonder why.

 

Best go home and avoid anyone who might be drinking and singing. You once met a disagreeable chap who threatened to beat you up because you didn't watch the archaeology. "Not a late paleolithic era supporter are you? Think you're better than me? I'll have you, you scrawny tw*t!"

 

To bed. To repeat the cycle tomorrow. The inescapable, inevitability that wherever you go, someone, somewhere, is just dying to talk to you about the archaeology.

 

 

http://www.tickld.com/x/how-football-sounds-to-people-that-just-dont-care-T

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HOW TO CRAP AT WORK

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We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back at our desks and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK CRAP is inevitable. For those who hate crapping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING

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When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY

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The act of scouting out a toilet before crapping. Walk in and check for other crappers. If there are others in the toilet, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the toilet.

ESCAPEE

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A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a crap in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK

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When forcing a crap, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the toilet to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

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The act of flushing the toilet the instant the crap hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the crap has

to stink up the toilet. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

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Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the toilet. This can be a very

uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET CRAPPER

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A colleague who craps at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet crapper enter the toilet with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet crapper before entering the toilet.

THE CRAPPING FRIENDS NETWORK (C.F.N)

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A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency crapping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet crappers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS

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A seldom used toilet somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a crapper of your sex entering the toilet.

TURD BURGLAR

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Someone who does not realize that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a crap at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

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A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the toilet that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

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A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the toilet immediately so the crapper can crap in peace.

WATERMELON

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A crap that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET

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A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED

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A toilet user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to crap when the toilet is empty. This benefits you as well as the other toilet attendees.

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When Brummie Jack`s dog died after being his faithfull companion for 20 years,he decided to have a small gold replica of his pet made as a memorial.So he went to see his friend the goldsmith. " Sure " said his friend " I can do that for you.Would you like it eighteen carat ? "." No " replied Jack " I`d rather have it chewing on a bone ".

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