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Any New Jokes


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  • 2 weeks later...

Yep, that's English ...

 

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

 

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

 

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

 

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

 

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

 

6) The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

 

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

 

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

 

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

 

10) I did not object to the object.

 

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

 

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

 

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

 

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

 

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

 

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

 

17) The wind was too strong for me to wind the sail.

 

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

 

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

 

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

 

21) If you read that I know you can read.

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  • 3 weeks later...

19 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity ................

 

 

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

 

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

 

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

 

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

 

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

 

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"

 

7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

 

8. Don't Use Any Punctuation

 

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

 

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

 

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

 

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

 

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

 

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

 

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party because You're Not In The Mood.

 

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name "Rock Hard".

 

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

 

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot,Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

 

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

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  • 2 weeks later...

A farmer went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

 

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and still hasn't come home.

 

Sergeant: What's her height?

 

Husband: I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

 

Sergeant: Weight?

 

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

 

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

 

Husband: Never noticed.

 

Sergeant: Color of hair?

 

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

 

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

 

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

 

Sergeant: What kind of car was she driving?

 

Husband: She went in my pickup truck.

 

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

 

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba†floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver's door.

 

At this point the husband started choking up.

 

Sergeant: Don’t worry, sir. We’ll find your truck.

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