Any New Jokes

[Zaad]

Good one!

[Torneyboy]

He is the master

[The_Munchmaster]

Here is the script of a recent interview between Madonna and Ali G.

 

Ali: So Madge, is you really preggers or as you just got a spare tyre up your jumper?

 

Madonna: No, I am five months pregnant, Ali.

 

Ali: Wicked. So you ain't bin frough da menaplaws yet den?

 

M: No, I thought I'd better have another baby before my time ran out, so to speak.

 

Ali: Aiiih, fer real. An who is da dad? Does you even know who da dad is?

 

M: Of course I know who the father is. It's my boyfriend, Guy.

 

Ali: An is e related to dat geezer who make all da fireworks for bonfire night?

 

M: No, he's a film director. He directed 'Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels'.

 

Ali: Wow, dat is a wicked film. Did you know dat Vinnie Jones once grabbed Gazza's balls an squeezed em till Gazza started cryin. Dat was bad,man. Respec to Vinnie, but if e did dat to me I'd knock im spark out wiv da one inch punch.

 

M: I've met Vinnie and he is a very nice guy actually.

 

Ali: Whatever. Anyways, you is known as da Immaterial Girl. Is dat cos your talent is immaterial compared to your ability to get your kit off?

 

M: Actually Ali, I am sometimes referred to as the *Material* Girl.

 

Ali: But dat is a bit stupid, innit? Every time I sees you, you ain't even wearing any material. You is usually stark bollock naked, if you ekscuseme french.

 

M: That's not true. I did write a book called 'SEX' a while ago and I appeared nude in several photos, but that was more artistic than pornographic.

 

Ali: Aiiih, me mate Dave borrowed me dat book an you was showing your punnani on nearly every page. Well, all da pages dat were stuck togever after me mate Dave kept spillin is coffee on dem. Well, dat is what e told me, but I fink e was usin it to crack one off, if you know what I mean?

 

M: I think I know what you mean Ali. Boys will be boys.

 

Ali: Fer real, an you don't mind im crackin one off all over you?

 

M: No, not at all. I'm quite flattered actually.

 

Ali: You wouldn't be sayin dat if you saw Dave. E is mingin. Anyway, in one a dem pictures you is gettin it from behind by dat Vanilla Ice. Me mate Dave reckoned you was takin it up da ass, but me Julie says dat you is too classy for dat.

 

M: I wasn't taking it in either orifice.

 

Ali: Why's dat? Couldn't da Ice Ice Baby get it up? Cos I erd e is a batty boy.

 

M: No, it was just a photograph. Nothing was going on. It was a book about fantasies, that's all.

 

Ali: Aiiih. But as you ever takin it up da Gary Glitter? Or is dat a personal question?

 

M: I have had all kinds of sex in my time, Ali. I've tried everything, including anal sex.

 

Ali: Wicked. Now me Julie ain't got no excuses. Next time she says no, I'll tell er if it's good enuff for Madonna, it's good enuff for a bitch from East Staines.

 

M: You shouldn't force someone into doing it Ali.

 

Ali: No, me just slide it in an pretend it was an accident.

 

M: No, Ali.

 

Ali: Anyway, what about dat Naomi Campbell? Did you really av a lez up wiv er while Big Daddy Kane was watchin? Cos dat is eksactly da fing I wants me Julie to do. She can get jiggy wiv one of er mates from da airdressers, maybe Becky or dat Sally bitch, an all I is askin is to watch. Den maybe join in when dey is gaggin for a cock.

 

M: I've heard that is a fantasy for most men. That is why I put it in the book.

 

Ali: Fer real. So I ain't a pervert den, like me Julie keeps tellin me.

 

M: No, not at all.

 

Ali: Fer real. I is in for a treat tonight. A freesome, an up da batty for Julie when me gets home.

 

M: Only if she wants to Ali.

 

Ali: Whatever. Was you really a virgin when you sang dat 'Like A Virgin'?

 

M: No. It wasn't literally about being a virgin. It was a metaphor for how someone can make you feel when they touch you.

 

Ali: On da punnani?

 

M: No, anywhere.

 

Ali: Me know what you is sayin. Me Julie said she was a virgin da first time I shagged er in da changin rooms of da John Nike Leisure Centre. But den I shagged er again a few momphs later after da all-night drum'n'bass party an she told me she was a virgin den too. I fink she was lyin a second time.

 

M: I think she might have been lying the first time as well.

 

Ali: Is you sayin me Julie as been wiv someone else?

 

M: Maybe.

 

Ali: Dat is it. I is dumpin er. I ain't goin wiv no slapper. Anyway,I erd dat is you knockin on fifty. Ain't you fought about retirin? Surely you as got enuff squid in da bank.

 

M: Actually, I'm only in my early forties. And I will never retire, even after I have my second child. I love work too much.

 

Ali: Den you is mad. If I ad as much squid as you I'd just sit back an chill wiv da biggest spliff in da world an listen to speed garage all day. Now I know why you is called MADonna, cos you is MAD. Anyway, fank you Madonna.

 

M: Why, thank you Ali. And would you like to be in my new video?

 

Ali: Aiiih, wicked. As long as dere ain't no batty boys in it like dat Rupert Everest. Dis time you can bounce on a real man's lap, if you know what I is sayin. Respec. So, to all you bitches out dere. If your boyfriend aks you to take it up da ass or av a freesome e is not a pervert. Me main girl Madonna ere says it's cool. West side!

[The_Munchmaster]

Coma Sex

 

There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees.

 

When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door. Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened.

 

"I'm not sure, but I think she choked".

[Flashermac]

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days - Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others. Don't you miss their humor? Not one single word of profanity in their comedy:

 

There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night. I finally had to let her out.

 

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic said, "Are you comfortable?"

The man said, "I make a good living."

 

Just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

 

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

 

What are the words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

 

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

 

My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

 

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

 

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

 

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

 

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man said he couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

 

The doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.

" Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

 

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"

Patient: "I AM 60!"

Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

 

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asked, "Doc, how do I stand?"

The doctor answered, "That's what puzzles me!"

 

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."

Doctor: "Don't answer!"

 

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge said, "You've been brought here for drinking."

The drunk replied, "Good, let's get started."

 

A bum asked a fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The fellow responded, "When's payday?"

The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"

 

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

 

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is 'Not Now.'

 

A Jewish boy came home from school and told his mother he has a part in the play. She asked what part it was.

The boy said, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."

The mother scowled and said, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part!"

 

[Flashermac]

The evolution in teaching mathematics.

 

 

1. In 1950

 

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

 

 

2. In 1960

 

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

 

 

3. In 1970

 

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

 

 

4. In 1980

 

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.

 

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

 

 

5. In 1990

 

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?

 

(There are no wrong answers )

 

 

6. In 2007

 

Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

 

[Flashermac]

"Here's some good news, ladies and gentlemen: President Bush says he has a new plan to stop Iran's nuclear program. This is what he's going to do, he's going to have O.J. steal the plutonium."

--David Letterman

 

"O.J. Simpson was released on bail today. O.J. was charged with two counts of robbery with a deadly weapon. The deadly weapon, of course, was O.J."

--Jay Leno

 

"When the cops arrested O.J., they found him at the blackjack table trying to play the race card." --Jay Leno

 

"Earlier today, O.J. Simpson was charged with 11 criminal counts, including kidnapping, robbery and assault. Afterwards, O.J. said, 'Wow. Now I really have done it all.'"

--Conan O'Brien

 

"O.J. is back on the loose. He was released on a $125,000 bail today in Las Vegas. O.J. has been charged with 10 felonies, including robbery with a deadly weapon and kidnapping. He could get life in prison for all this. Isn't that something? You kill two people, you get nothing -- but steal your own football jersey, you go away for life."

--Jimmy Kimmel

 

"O.J. Simpson's lawyer objected to O.J. being held without bail. He said if he was anyone besides O.J., he would have been released by now. If he was anyone but O.J., he'd be serving life for double murder right now."

--Jay Leno

 

"One of the men who was allegedly robbed by O.J. Simpson is now saying he won't press charges. In exchange, O.J. has promised not to double murder the man."

--Conan O'Brien

 

"The story is O.J. convinced five other guys to go into a room to retrieve sports memorabilia that he says belonged to him. And as the late Johnnie Cochran once said, 'You can't steal your own memorabilia.' So now O.J. is in jail. Today he asked for reading glasses and a Bible. Actually, he wanted a Bible with the sixth and eighth commandments removed."

--Jimmy Kimmel

 

"Today, the judge denied Senator Craig the chance to withdraw his guilty plea. So, it's official, he's stuck being gay. Actually, the judge came down pretty hard on Senator Craig. He said he can't withdraw his guilty plea, he has to give his memorabilia back to O.J., and his kids have to go live with Kevin Federline."

--Jay Leno

 

They say O.J. Simpson was involved in a robbery at a Las Vegas casino. He was at The Palms, which is the same hotel where Britney Spears sang in the MTV Awards. That makes two failed comebacks in the same week. O.J. Simpson said he was in Vegas with some golf buddies for a wedding, and one of the guys just happened to have a gun. Really? Who goes golfing with a gun? Robert Blake? And second of all, who invites O.J. to their wedding?"

--Jay Leno

 

Everybody today talking about Mr. O.J. Simpson. O.J. Simpson was arrested yesterday for armed robbery in connection with a break-in at a Las Vegas hotel. When the cops cuffed him and took him to jail, O.J. was thrilled and said, 'I've still got it.'"

--Conan O'Brien

 

"Apparently, after O.J. was taken into custody, he was questioned by police. He continues to maintain his innocence. O.J. says there's no way he committed the crime because it's not murdery enough."

--Conan O'Brien

 

[Dumsoda]

 

Saw this on another board and found it amusing....

 

 

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

 

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

 

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

 

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said:

 

"I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."

 

[sayjann]

oh dear dumbone.....

that joke was posted by Munchie 4 Days ago......

[Dumsoda]

oh dear dumbone.....

that joke was posted by Munchie 4 Days ago......

 

 

Hey get it right....It's Dum Cnut...OK

Oh well...Som nom na ME...I guess....lol..

 

Don't normally read this thread....and obviously didn't see Munchie's post

 

...Not even a Dum Cnut would post the same gag...intentionally...55555

 

I'll go back to counting the hours....a much more worthwhile passtime...It'll be "Under 500" by tonight

 

....Memo to self....Don't post jokes any more!!!!

 

 

Cheers DC