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Any New Jokes


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Sergeant Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. His first assignment was to a military induction center, and because he was a good talker, was assigned the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

 

Before long, the captain in charge began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% signup rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was unusual, since it would cost the recruits $30 per month more for the higher coverage, compared to what the government provided at no charge.

 

The Captain decided not to ask Boudreaux directly about his selling techniques. Instead, he would sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

 

Sergeant Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and started.

 

"If you got da normal GI inshoranse an' you go to Iraq an' git yoself kilt, da governmen' gonna pay you beneficiary $20,000. If you take out da supplemental inshoranse, which cost you only t'irty dollar a mont, den da governmen' gotta pay you beneficiary $200,000.

 

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Iraq furst?"

 

 

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A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina".

 

She slams the door in disgust.

 

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina".

 

She slams the door again.

 

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".

 

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it". She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

 

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. â??Do you have a vagina".......

 

"Yes" she says......

 

The man replies "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?

Edited by Guest
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A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

 

She was wearing a loose-fitting pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and t-shirt.

 

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

 

Noticing the wife, the gorilla immediately went crazy.

 

He jumped on the bars and, holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously very excited by the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

 

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got extremely excited, now making noises that would wake the dead.

 

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her dress straps fall to show a little more skin. She did and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down!

 

"Now, show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips and charging the bars!

 

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla, slammed the cage door shut and said, "Now, tell him you've got a headache."

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A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

 

Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."

 

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

 

Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

 

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

 

Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. Your license and registration, please."

 

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

 

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. Your license and registration, please."

 

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

 

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

 

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop then takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

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One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

 

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

 

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

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