Any New Jokes

[Torneyboy]

Three goodies :thumbup:

[teddy]

A cowboy in Texas gets pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

 

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

 

The cowboy sez, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of circle flies."

 

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

 

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me a horse's hind end?"

 

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's back end."

 

"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.

 

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[The_Munchmaster]

Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

 

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

 

"Who the hell are you?", demanded Kenny, "And what are you doing in my bedroom?"

 

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."

 

Kenny was stunned. "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away."

 

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

 

Kenny was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad', he thought, until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

 

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So, you're the new hen. How are you enjoying your first day here?"

 

"It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

 

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

 

"Never" replies Kenny.

 

"Well, just relax and let it happen."

 

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

 

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting, "Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed!"

 

 

[The_Munchmaster]

A man goes into a bar on the Shankill Road in Belfast with his pet crocodile.

 

He asks, "Do you serve Catholics?"

 

The bartender replies, "Yes, we're very open-minded here. What can I get you?"

 

The man replies, "A pint of Guinness and 2 Catholics for the crocodile."

 

 

[candyfloss]

"Oh sorry to hear that, that's called a Freudian slip."

 

 

a freudian slip. when you say one thing and mean a mother.

[The_Munchmaster]

A woman goes into a shop to buy a rod and reel as a gift.

 

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter where there's a shop assistant wearing dark shades. "Excuse me sir" she says "can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

 

The assistant replies "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

 

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

 

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's only $20.00".

 

The lady said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

 

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

 

The assistant rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

 

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

 

"Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

[teddy]

 

Angling jokes, ya can't beat em :thumbup:

[The_Munchmaster]

What causes earthquakes?

 

[The_Munchmaster]

Husband wakes at 5 in the morning feeling really horny. He nudges his wife and says, "Honey give me a blow job." His wife replies, "Sweetheart I'm tired, just have a wank in a glass and I'll drink it later."

[The_Munchmaster]

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.

 

The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.

 

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

 

The woman replies, "Coz he's a midget."