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A man walked into a bar in his hotel in Paris and the bartender said, "Don't touch the purple monkey up in room 222."


The man sneered and went straight up to room 222 and opened the door. There sitting right in front of him was a purple monkey.


The man laughed again and touched the monkey.


He then started down the stairs...the monkey was following him.


The man went outside and got into his jeep. The monkey got in the back seat. The man ignored him.


Later the man drove to the Eiffel Tower. The man got out of the car and the monkey followed.


The man finally reached the top, but the monkey was right behind him.


The man just burst and yelled, "What do you want!"


The monkey came up to him and said, "Tag...you're it."

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A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.


The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.


The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up.


"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.


"Six pence," says the pharmacist.


"How much for a new one?"


"Ten pence."


The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandana, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging.


A moment or two later a great shout goes up, followed by an even greater shout.


The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.


"The regiment has taken a vote," the Scot says.


"We'll have a new one."


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Two guys are arguing over who has the dumbest missus.


First guy says "mine so dumb she just went out and bought a car but can't drive"


Second guy says " you call that dumb.....mine so dumb she's just gone away for a weeks holiday with her girlfriends and took 4 boxes of condoms and she hasn't got a cock"

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Guts and Balls - The Medical Distinction.


We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?


In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.


GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"


BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, "You're next!"


Hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.


Medically speaking, there is no difference, since both ultimately result in death.

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Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.


Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.


The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.


None is forthcoming.


The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.


At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.


The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.


In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

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Two 70 year old men, Nev and Vic, have been friends all their lives. Vic is dying, so Nev comes to visit him every day. "Vic," says Nev, "You know how we have both loved cricket all our lives, and how we played together for so many years. Vic, you have to do me one favour.


When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's cricket in Heaven."


Vic looks up at Nev from his death bed, and says, "Nev, you've been my best friend many years. If it is at all possible, I'll try to let you know." Shortly after that, Vic passes on.


At midnight a couple of nights later. Nev is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light. A voice calls out to him, "Nev....Nev...."


"Who is it?" says Nev sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"


"Nev, it's me, Vic."


"Come on. You're not Vic. Vic just died."


"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Vic!"


"Vic? Is that you? Where are you?"


"I'm in heaven," says Vic, "and I've got to tell you, I've got some really good news and some really bad news."


"So, tell me the good news first," says Nev.


"The good news is that there is cricket in Heaven. Better yet, all our old chums who've gone before us are here too. And better still, we're all young men again. Even better, it's always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play cricket all we want and we never get tired!"


"Really?" says Nev, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?"


"The bad news is you're opening bat next Tuesday"

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