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Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly in my all weather gear, made my lunch, locked up the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load my golf bag into the car, and proceeded to back out into a oriental downpour.


There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 kph.


I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.


I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.


There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'


She sleepily replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out playing golf in that?'

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A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but

halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his

money. He calls home.




"Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education is developing.


They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog


Blue how to talk."




"That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that





"Just send him down here with $2,000," the young jackaroo says, "I'll

get him in the course."




So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.




About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The

boy calls home.




"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father wants to know.




"Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe


They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the

animals how to read."




"Read?!" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in

that program?"




"Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class."




The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end

of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor

read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the

year, his father is all excited.




"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him

read something!"




"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just

before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked

back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he

suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing

around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'"




The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that bastard before

he talks to your Mother!"




"I sure did, Dad!"




"That's my boy!"




The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

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An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are all playing golf and their wives are acting as their caddy's.


At the first hole the englishman's wife trips over and goes arse over tit landing legs akimbo to reveal she has no knickers on.


"Good Lord" exclaims the englishman "What is going on here"


"Well," says the wife "You don't give me enough housekeeping to get knickers"


Full of shame the englishman throws her a £20 note "Get yourself to M&S and get some underwear"


At the next hole the irishman's wife trips and exposes her minge.


"Begorrah, what the fook" says the oirishman. Again the wife explains she doesn't get enough housekeeping for undergarments.


The oirishman throws a tenner at her "Get to C&A for some keks and oi want me change"


Inevitably at the next hole the scotsman's wife tumbles over, all beaver showing.


"Och for focks sake woman," he yells throwing her his comb "At least tidy yersel up a bit"


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