Jump to content

Any New Jokes


Recommended Posts

on loan to United euph. Up
on blocks, fallen to the communists,
on the blob, riding
the menstrual cycle, on tow,
packing string, chasing the
cotton mouse, dropping clots,
smoking short cigars, boiling
beetroots, shooting jam, playing
Arsenal at home.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The most popular terms in the world are:

There are communists in the funhouse – Denmark

The English have landed – France

Mad cow disease – Finland

Granny’s stuck in traffic – South Africa

I’m with Chico – Brazil

Little sister has come – China

The cranberry woman is coming – Germany

Birthing a blood diamond – no known origin, but brilliant nonetheless

Granny's stuck in traffic is 100% my new fave

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

Back at my house in the 70's I had the standard 6 ft. fence around the property. I had heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the area. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top rail.

I got the biggest cattle charger i could get, made for 7.5 kms of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheap 6 hp, wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out on the ground. I knew for a fact, that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 ga-ziga-giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow, on fire, on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I noticed is my dick trying to climb up the front of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton, rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally, at one, with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the shitty lawnmower, were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM, you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes, in between, but in reality it was very close together, it was like exhaust pulses from a high revving, big block V8.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric Fences ... But Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by  whoever, that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please let me die ... Pleeeeaze death'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle, nicely and remains there, like the big bore V8 motor.

So here I am in the middle of January, 35 degrees, 90% humidity, Standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not listen to me that day ... He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ...

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of my teeth seemed to have melted.
2 - I had cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right bum cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell quite as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye would not open.
5 - My right eye would not close.
6 - The lawnmower ran like a bitch. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts were almost a foot long.
8 - I could turn on the TV by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?).

That day changed my life. I found I had a respect for things.

I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check, to make sure the device is unplugged, when I unplug things.

I never did have a burglary at that house.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Create New...