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I was in Asda with the missus and put a box of Stella in the trolley. “What do you think you are doing”? Asks the missus. I reply “its on offer £10 for 24 cans” “put them back we can’t afford it“ she said. A few aisles on she picks up a £20 jar of face cream and put it in the trolley. “What you doing”? I said. “it makes my face look beautiful” she replied.

So I said, “so does 24 cans of Stella and its half the fucking price”.

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I have notice a slight error in the Infochart I was provided with, that being “Temperature”

There should be a Question “Are you measuring weather Y/N?”

N Centigrade 

Y Then Hot or Cold 

If H Then Fahrenheit (86 F sounds hotter than 30 C)

If C Then Centigrade (Minus 5 C sounds colder than 23 F)

This tactic has been used by every UK tabloid newspaper since decimalisation 1971

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A bloke walks into a cafe and looks at the menu.

Cheese roll: 10 pence

Ham roll: 20 pence

Wanks: £10

He then sees a beautiful young woman behind the counter with a beautiful body and huge tits.

He says “Do you give the wanks?”

“I do!” she said

“Well wash your hands, I want two cheese rolls”

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  • 2 weeks later...

There was a very English businessman on a red double-decker bus going home who overheard two Indian men having an argument -

“No, No, No - it is spelt Whoom - double-u, aitch, oh, oh, em - Whoom!” said the first.

“No, No, No - it is spelt Woom - double-u, oh, oh, em - Woom!” said the second.

Back and forth it went until the Englishman couldn’t stand it any longer

“Gentlemen, I apologize for intervening, but I have an Oxford education and believe the word you are looking for is spelt double-u, Oh ,Em, Bee - Womb!”

The two Indian guys looked at each other for a moment then the one turned to him and asked

“Sir - Have you ever heard an Elephant fart?”

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