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A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific." The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar. "Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?" "Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary." :D

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally tiring of the stress, he quit his job and bought 50 acres in remote Alaska as far from anyone else as he could. He sees the postman once a week and gets buys groceries once a month. Other than that, it's just him and nature.


After about six months, Tom was surprised to hear a knock on his door. He opened it and saw a huge bearded mountain man standing there.


"Howdy, name's Clive. I'm your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night and I thought you might like to come. About



"Great", said Tom, "After six months out here, I'm ready to meet some local folks."


As Clive was leaving, he stopped. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin'."


"No problem," said Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em".


Again, the big man started to leave and stopped. "More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too."


"Well, I get along with people. I'll be all right."


"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."


"Now that's really not a problem," said Tom with a grin. "I've been alone for a whole six months! By the way, what should I wear?"


"Don't much matter," said Clive. "Just gonna be the two of us."


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This is the worst I have heard for a while but i'm going to post it anyway :grinyes:



One day God calls down to Noah and says "Noah me old china, I wants you make me a new Ark".


Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want. After all, you're the boss".


But God interrupts, "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, ..... I want 20 decks one on top of the other".


"20 DECKS!", screams Noah, "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"


"..... Yep, that's right, well ..... sort of right ....... this time I want you to fill it up with fish" God answers.


"Fish?" Queries Noah.


"Yep, fish ... well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"


Noah looks to the skies, "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"




"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".




"And you want it full of Carp?".




"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether


"Dunno" says God. "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".


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A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employeesâ?? well being, asked sympathetically, â??Whatâ??s the matter?â?Â


The blonde replies, â??Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.â?Â


The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. â??Why donâ??t you go home for the day, we arenâ??t terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest.â?Â


The blonde very calmly states, â??No, Iâ??d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.â?Â


The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. â??If you need anything, just let me know.â?Â


Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, â??Whatâ??s so bad now. Are you gonna be ok?â?Â


â??No!â? exclaims the blonde. â??I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!â? :D

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A beautiful blonde loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her

tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a male neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the guy, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The guy responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the guy was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

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