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Funny signs.




In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotels towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read this notice.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is bring fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of the wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for Donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like a ride on your own ass.

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today - no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner is dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In a Acapulco hotel: - The manager has personal passed all the water served here.

Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are the best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using the hotel air conditioner: Cools and Heats: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: - English well speaking. Here speaking American.

Thailand Advertisement: Coca Cola brings your ancestors back from the dead. :dunno:


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Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:


WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.


WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.


WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.


WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.


WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.


WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.


WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.


WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.


WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).


WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.


WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.


WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.


WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.


WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.


WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy. :beer:


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Diary of a new English Immigrant in Canada.


20th DECEMBER The first snow we have seen in many years. My wife and me sat in the porch with our hot toddies watching the fluffy soft flakes drift down gently onto the trees and bushes. Itâ??s so peaceful.


24th DECEMBER We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white shimmering snow covering everything as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and every bush covered in a beautiful white blanket of snow. I shovelled snow for the first time ever today and loved every minute of it. I did our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came by and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street, the driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman, and had a snowball fight. A couple of them just missed me and hit the car, so I threw a couple back, just for fun.


26th DECEMBER It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees had snapped due to the weight of the snow. I had to shovel our driveway again. Shortly afterwards, the snowplough came by and did his little trick again. Much of the snow is now a light brown colour.


1st JANUARY Warmed up enough today to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Had to buy snow tyres. Fell on my ar$e in the driveway. Went to the doctor, but thankfully, nothing was broken.


5th JANUARY Still cold. Snow tyres didn't do any good. She slid down the road and into a wall and did some damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of that white stuff last night. Car is covered in iced up slush and grit, which that blasted snowplough is responsible for. He came by another f*cking twice.


9th JANUARY More f*cking white sh!te. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater, which toppled over and nearly torched the whole house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. We hit a deer on the way to casualty and the car was a total f*cking write off.


13th JANUARY F*cking bastard white sh!te just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every item of clothing just to go to the shop. Those little c*nts next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back. I'll shove that f*cking snowman so far up their ar$e it'll take good f*cking surgeon hours to find it. I think that blasted snowplough f*cking waits round the corner for me to finish shovelling and then speeds down the street like Michael f*cking Schumacher and buries the f*cking car again.


17th JANUARY FIVE MORE F*CKING INCHES OF F*CKING SNOW and more f*cking ice to go with it, and whatever f*cking else fell last night is on my f*cking car. I'm up at court in April for assaulting the snowplough driver with my shovel. Can't feel my f*cking toes, havenâ??t seen the sun for 4 weeks and it's minus f*cking 14 degrees.




***could have been me 20+ years ago !! :smirk:

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Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, were travelling across Europe by car. They got to Transylvania and were stopped at a traffic light.


Suddenly, out of nowhere, a little vampire jumped onto the hood of the car and hissed at them through the windscreen.


"Lord help us!" shouted Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"


"Turn the wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," said Sister Helen.


Sister Catherine switched them on, knocking little Dracula about, but he held on and continued hissing at the nuns.


"What shall I do now?" she shouted.


"Switch on the windscreen washer. I filled it up with Holy water at the Vatican ," said Sister Helen.


Sister Catherine turned on the washer. The little vampire screamed as the water burned his skin, but he hung on and continued hissing at the nuns.


"Now what?" shouted Sister Catherine.


"Show him your cross," replied Sister Helen.


"Now you're talking," said Sister Catherine.


She opened the window and shouted, "Hey, you! Get the fuck off our car!"





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