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Guy walks into a bar and pulls up a stool next to a stunningly beautiful redhead. As he orders his drink, he glances at her and notices that she looks really sad and says, "Hi. I don't mean to bother you but you look really down: like you may have lost your best friend or something. What's up?"


She looks up from her drink and says, "I am sad. Broken hearted really. After 10 years of marriage my husband finally walked out on me last week. He said I was too kinky in bed."


The guy says to her, "My God. That's amazing. My wife just left me for the very same reason. She said she couldn't deal with me being so kinky. She left me a month ago."


They talk for a while and then the redhead looks at him, shrugs and says, "Listen, we seem to have a lot in common. We're both adults. Why don't we finish our drinks and go to my place. It's just around the corner."


They get to her house and she says "I'll be just a minute while I put on something a bit more comfortable. Drinks cabinet's over there; there are beers in the fridge. I'll be right back."


She goes into her bedroom, strips down, put on a leather mask, a split crotch vinyl body suit with the nipples cut out, a feather boa, seven inch stiletto heels and picks up a long black whip and a length of heavy rope. She opens the bedroom door but see the guys putting on his coat and heading for the door.


"HEY", she yells at him, "I thought we were going to get kinky!"


He looks back at her and says, "Kinky? I fucked your cat and shit in your purse. I'm outta here!"

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Donald: " I always feel that I'm covered in gold paint doctor."

Psychiatrist: " Oh, that's just your gilt complex."


-Sandy: " Will you marry me?"

Girlfriend: "No, but I'll always admire your good taste."


-There are two things a Scot likes naked!

One of them is malt whiskey!


- How did the Grand Canyon come about?

A Scotsman lost a sixpence.






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A Scottish farmer named Wee Willy McMunchmaster is getting very frustrated as his wife has gone off sex after thirty years of marriage


One day he's carrying out his chores and can't help but notice how sexy his sheep are. He decides to take his frustrations out on his sheep but rather than risk his wife finding out, he loads them into his lorry and drives off into the fields


He has a great time and feels much happier. This goes on for two weeks, every morning he drives his sheep into the fields and has his wicked way with them


one morning however, he awakes feeling unwell and decides to stay in bed. His wife brings him a cup of tea and some Asprin and tells him he needs to rest for the day. A couple of minutes later theres a strange noise coming from the farmyard. The wife runs to the bedroom window and says


" Well I never !! "


" What is it love ? "


" You'll never believe this, the sheep have loaded themselves onto the lorry and one of them is even blowing the horn !!

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The Nun & a Soldier


A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."


The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"


The nun replied, "He went that way."


After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ."


The nun said, "I understand completely."


The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"


The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either." :smirk:

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Amish miracle?

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.


The lad asked, "What is this, father?"


The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."


While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.


The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.


The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother!!!!" :smirk:

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TheBirthday Gift

Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."


His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."


So the that's what Rich did.


The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"


"Yes, I did," said Joe.


"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.


"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

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You Might Be Part Of The Taliban If...

...You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.


...You own a $300 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you canâ??t afford shoes.


...You have more wives than teeth.


...You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.


...You've ever opened a can of falafel with a mortar round.


...You used a Stinger missile given to you by George Bush Sr. to shoot at a helicopter sent by George Bush Jr.


...Youâ??ve ever had your camel repossessed.


...You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.


...You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.


...You think "The Kite Runner" is the funniest book you ever read.


...You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.


...Youâ??ve ever uttered the phrase, "I love what youâ??ve done with your cave."


...You wipe your rear end with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean." :dunno:

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A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.

The doctor took one look at this woman and all his

professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had

disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing

so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions

or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said

the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do

you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or

breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started screwing her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I camehere in the first place. :grinyes:

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