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A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

 

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,

'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

 

The judge says, 'OK.'

'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'

 

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'

 

'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers! :grinyes:

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A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.

 

The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.

 

The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, idiot!"

 

Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.

The patron takes a sip...same reaction.

 

But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.

 

Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

 

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.

 

He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:

"Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out.

 

"That tastes like piss!," he shoots back at the drunk.

 

The drunk replies: "It ish. Now how old am I?" :grinyes:

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John was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge,

so he sent Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware

store Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while

she was waiting for Bob to finish waiting on a customer.

When Bob was finished, Mary asked how much for

the teapot? Bob replied "That's silver and

it costs £100!"

 

My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary

exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge

that John had sent her to buy, and Bob went to the backroom

to find a hinge. From the backroom Bob yelled "Mary

, you wanna screw for that hinge?' To which Mary

replied, "No, but I will for the teapot." :grinyes:

 

 

 

 

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Sadly, Teddy was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly.

 

One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.

 

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting, but at the end of the interview, Teddy asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

 

"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply.

 

Teddy did not appreciate his honesty and threw him out of the office.

 

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

 

"Well," she said stammering, "You have no ears."

 

Teddy again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

 

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. He was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart, he was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.

 

Teddy was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

 

Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?"

 

Teddy was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?â? he asked.

 

"Well," the young man replied as he fell off his chair laughing hysterically, "It's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fecking ears!!"

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A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a truck, with his hands at 10 to 2.

 

The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?'

 

Kenny replies, 'Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne!' The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

 

Later the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny, how was your trip?'

 

Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest.'

 

That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.'

 

The nurse leaves Kenny's room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.

 

Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing!?'

 

To which Davo replies, 'Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in Melbourne'.

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Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet(MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with GAS from Saudi Arabia and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN J O B. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (MADE IN MALAYSIA), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.. AMERICA .....

 

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