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While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found an old bottle on the sand and picked it up.

 

Suddenly, a female genie appeared from the bottle and with a bow said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

 

Osama responded, "You ignorant, unclean daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any lowly woman giving me anything."

 

The shocked genie said, "Please, sir. I must grant you a wish or I shall be returned to that bottle forever!"

 

Osama thought a moment, grumbling about women in general and finally said, "All right, scum of the earth. I wish to awaken with three American women in my bed tomorrow morning. So do it and go away."

 

The genie said, "So be it!" Then she disappeared in a puff of smoke.

 

The next morning Osama woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton.

 

His penis was gone, his knees were broken and he had no health insurance.

 

God is Good!

 

 

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Billy-Bob and Luther are talking one afternoon.

 

"Ya know," says Billy-Bob. "I reckon i'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year i'm gonna do it a little different. These past few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Irene got pregnant. Then two years ago you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Irene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and, damn it, Irene got pregnant again.

 

Luther asks Billy-Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year thats different?"

 

Billy-Bob says, "This year i'm taking Irene with me."

 

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Into a Belfast pub comes old Paddy Murphy, looking like he's just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's limping.

 

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

 

"Jamie O'Connor and I had a fight," says Paddy.

 

"That little guy?" says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must of had something in his hand."

 

"That he did," says Paddy, "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he did give me with it!"

 

"Well," says Sean, "You should've defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

 

"That I did," says Paddy "Mrs O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight!"

 

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One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:

 

Demon: Why so glum, chum?

 

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.

 

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

 

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

 

Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more. And if you drink yourself to death, it's okay... you're already dead anyway!

 

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

 

Demon: You a smoker?

 

Guy: You better believe it.

 

Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead anyway!

 

Guy: No shit!

 

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

 

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

 

Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.

 

Guy: Hmmm, I never played pai gow before...

 

Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

 

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...

 

Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead anyway!

 

Guy: yeah! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!

 

Demon: You gay?

 

Guy: Uh, no.

 

Demon: Oooh, you're gonna hate Fridays...

 

 

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A guy's walking down the street and sees Johnny smoking a cigarette. "Hey kid, you're too young to smoke."

 

Johnny looks up but says nothing.

 

"How old are you?"

 

"Six," Johnny says.

 

"Six! When did you start smoking?"

 

"Right after the first time I got laid."

 

"Right after the first time you got laid! When was that?"

 

"I don't remember, I was drunk."

 

 

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After sixty years, a Rabbi decides to retire. Taking the box of foreskin's he has collected over the years of doing circumcisions, he goes to a leather goods manufacturer and says to the man "Can you do anything with these?"

 

The man says "No problem, come back in two weeks."

 

After two weeks the rabbi returns to the shop, and is presented with a wallet. In total dismay, he says to the craftsman "After sixty years, the best you can do is a wallet!?!"

 

The man replies "Don't worry, just rub it a few times and it will grow into a suitcase."

 

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MALE SENSITIVITY TEST

 

 

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking.

B. Screwing.

C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

 

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.

B. Your blood-test results.

C. Five tequila slammers.

 

3. You carefully pace yourself to time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.

B. You both climax simultaneously.

C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

 

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.

B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.

C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

 

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

A. The very best part of the experience.

B. The second best part of the experience.

C. $100 extra.

 

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

A. Of no consequence to how you love her and your affectionate feelings for her.

B. Not a problem, she can join your gym if she'd like to.

C. A very conservative estimate.

 

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. An important model to strive for.

B. A myth or an oxymoron.

C. A moron.

 

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to entree.

B. Primer is to paint.

C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

 

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

A. 'This time together has been meaningful for me. I hope we can still be friends.'

B. 'I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.'

C. 'Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU.'

 

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time, understanding, and gentle encouragement before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.

B. Is uptight and a waste of time.

C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

 

 

Evaluating Results:

 

* If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check inside your pants to be sure you ARE a man.

 

* If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy.

 

* If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!

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