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A Liverpool fan walks past a shop and sees the video "Liverpool - The Glory Years". He goes into the shop and asks how much. "£100" says the shopkeeper.

"That's a bit steep, how come it's so dear ??"

"Well its a tenner for the video and £90 for the Betamax recorder!!

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A Liverpool fan and a ManU fan were walking to a football match; as they passed a house they saw a dog setting in the grass licking his balls.

 

The Liverpool fan said, "oh how I wish I could do that."

 

The ManU fan said "you had better pet him first he might bite."

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A Liverpool fan is walking along a beach, when he sees an old bottle. He picks it up, and takes out the cork. Out pops a genie who says:

 

"I am the football genie. I grant 3 wishes, and everything you wish for wish for, you shall get, but every Manchester United fan will get twice what you wish for."

 

"Fair enough", says the man. "I wish for 1 million quid".

 

"You understand that every one of the ManU will receive 2 million?"

 

"Yep, I can live with that"

 

And, lo and behold, there appears a case of 50 pound notes.

 

"Now I wish for Liverpool to win the European Cup for 10 years running"

 

"You understand that this means Manchester United will win the Cup 20 years running?"

 

"Yep, I can live with that"

 

And, lo and behold, there appears a sports almanack from the year 2050 showing the English dominance of the European Cup

 

"Final wish"

 

After some thought the Liverpool fan replies:

 

"I'd like to give a kidney transplant......"

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He must have had a fucking huge oven!

 

Yes it was big

 

Was it one of those big American things. Vikings they're called. I've seen them on the telly. Enormous buggers. But then everything is big in America. Probably their tellies as well.

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A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender:

 

"I'll have a brandy...........................................

..............................................................

..............................................................

..............................................................

..............................................................

..............................................................

..........and coke."

 

The bartender asks: "What's with the big pause?"

 

The bear responds: "I dunno. I've always had them."

Actually Teddy, the big pause was probably because the polar bear couldn't decide which mixer to have with his brandy. In the end though I think his choice of coke (hopefully not Pepsi) was a good choice as coke (Coca Cola) does complement brandy quite nicely.

 

 

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A big, nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting in the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

 

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her.

 

At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"

 

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.

 

After she's finished the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and says, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

 

Once again the little drunk slams his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy the ballerina another drink!"

 

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and says, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

 

The drunk replies, "Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

 

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A duck walks into a library and asks the librarian: "Got any eggs?" The librarian replies: "No, this is a library." The duck walks away. The next day the duck returns, and asks: "Got any eggs?" The librarian replies: "We didn't have any eggs yesterday, and nothing has changed." The duck walks away. The following day, the duck returns yet again and asks: "Got any eggs?" The irate librarian replies: "The next time you ask me that question I'm going to nail your beak to the counter." "Got any nails?" the duck asks. "No," is the reply. Pause. "Got any eggs?"

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A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

 

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

 

Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

 

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

 

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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee and a 250g pack of bacon.

 

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

 

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."

 

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the drunk's intuition, since she was indeed single.

 

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

 

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

 

The drunk replied, "Cos you're an ugly bitch."

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