Any New Jokes

[..]

Hmmm, 7 Cs and 3 Bs...

 

Cheers,

SD

[Torneyboy]

2c if she is falang

[Flashermac]

An atheist became incensed over the Christmas and Hanukkah holidays. He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.

 

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel and declared, "Case dismissed!"

 

The lawyer immediately stood up, objected to the ruling and said, "Your Honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah ... yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!'

 

The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Obviously, your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate his own atheists' holiday!"

 

The lawyer pompously said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?"

 

The judge said, 'Well it comes every year on exactly the same date â?¦ April 1st. Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider that Psalm 14:1 states, "The fool says in his heart, there is no God." Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture, he is a fool, and April 1st is his holiday! Now have a good day and get out of my courtroom!

 

 

 

 

[..]

Of course, since there is no God, then the Bible is simply a novel. And I know of no work of fiction that has ever been used as a precedent in law...

 

 

Cheers,

SD

[The_Munchmaster]

Was that meant to be a joke Flash?

[Flashermac]

<< And I know of no work of fiction that has ever been used as a precedent in law... >>

 

Then explain Shariah.

 

 

[Flashermac]

p.s. Or the Declaration of Independence and the United States Constitution ...

 

 

 

[Torneyboy]

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.

Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand

on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first

three pennies?"

 

[Torneyboy]

A plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman,an Englishman and an Australian. Saddam says "I'm not as cruel as George Bush says I am You will be given 50 lashes each but you can have whatever you want on your back"

The Australian goes first and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives.

The Englishman says "I will take it as it comes I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly"Stiff upper lip you know eh what" His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold.

"Now Jock It's your turn you have the same choice as the other two what would you like on your back" says Saddam.

Jock replies quickly and without hesitation "I'll have the Englishman"

 

[Flashermac]

THE CHICKEN BUSINESS

 

 

John, a farmer, was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

 

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

 

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.

 

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

 

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

 

The result: the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

 

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

 

Vote carefully. The bells are not always audible!