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Rocket launches from Houston on a mission to Mars. On board are two monkeys and a woman.

 

Houston calls and speaks to monkey 1

" Adjust oxygen twenty percent, stop radar, phase to warp factor 3"

The monkey carries out the instructions

 

A little later Houston calls to speak to monkey 2

" Switch off engines 3 and 4, commence radiation shield, adjust anti-gravitational throttle "

The second monkey completes the tascs perfectly

 

Finally Houston calls to speak to the woman

" Feed the monkeys and don't touch any buttons !! "

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Wee Shuggie (Glasgow name) enters a raffle at the fishing club, first prize is a colour television.

 

He doesn't win the TV but wins the booby prize - a toilet brush - instead!

 

Nevertheless he is delighted, as he has never won at a raffle in his life.

 

Some weeks go by and Big Hughie meets him,

 

"Hey Shuggie!" he says smiling, "How you gettin' oan wi' that toilet brush?"

 

"Aye fine," says Shuggie, "but aw the same, I think I prefer toilet paper."

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Wee Shuggie gets pulled over by the police one night.

 

"Excuse me sir, but have you been drinking?" asks the policeman.

 

"Ahyeraaaghhh" says the sozzled Shuggie, "I just had a wee one at my mates. I've got ten mates! Ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaar [hic!] Then we went to Brian's bar and got a wee drink or three there [hic!] Then Brian booted us oot! So we went back to Stevie's place and [hic!] Stevie boy has got some correction of drinksh - huge correction of whisksies. You should come up one night [hic!] Aye, he's a good mate - gave me a whole bottle tae take hame mahself [hic!]" he pulls a whisky bottle up from the floor of the car, "See? Oh, s'drunk it already...So yesh, Ah, Ah, - Ah've been drinking!"

 

The copper shakes his head and gives out a long sigh.

 

"Sir, I need to ask you to get out the car and take a breathalyser test.

 

"Why?" says the befuddled Shuggie, "d'ye no believe me?"

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Young Donald MacLeod of Skye is spending his first time away from the croft, a student at an English university.

 

After about a month or so his mother travels down to see him in his halls of residence just to be sure he is leading a good Christian life.

 

"Now then Donald, how are you faring down here?"

 

"Oh mother," says Donald, "It's just terrible!"

 

"Why ever so?" asks his anxious mother?"

 

"Och it's these English students on each side of my room, they are fair noisy. On the left hand side there's one who keeps banging his head off the wall all night long."

 

"You don't say!" says his mother horrified.

 

"Aye I do mother, and on the other side the other English boy screams and screams all the night long!"

 

"My, you don't say!" his mother says shaking her head. "And what do you do about it?"

 

"Oh nothing mother," replies Donald, "I just sit here quietly playing my bagpipes to myself."

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The rules of writing

 

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. One should NEVER generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

23. Kill all exclamation points!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

 

And finally...

 

34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

 

Cheers,

SD

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