Any New Jokes

[CTO]

 

 

There was this basically-good man who died and appeared before St. Peter at the Holy Gates. St. Peter checks out his books and discovers that there is a problem. He says that there is no clear answer in the books on where the man is supposed to go, Heaven or Hell. He suggests that the man go to Hell and check it out, so that he may make the decision himself. If he didnâ??t like what he saw there, he could come back to Heaven.

 

Well, this man had only one true vice while he was alive. It seems he had an uncontrollable desire to play golf at any opportunity. He had traveled the world playing all the famous golf courses.

 

When the man arrived in Hell, Satan welcomed him, but he too was surprised at the manâ??s situation. He had assumed that since the question about the manâ??s ultimate destination wasnâ??t clear, the man would go to Heaven. The man could just see behind Satan a Most Beautiful Golf Course. It had beautiful trees, blue ponds, water separating the fairways, everything. The man fell in love with at at first site, and he couldnâ??t control himself. He just had to play a round.

 

The devil showed him a wonderful electric golf cart, a perfect leather bag, a matched set of clubs. Satan reached into his pocket and presented the man with a Golden Tee. The devil then said that only members could play. The man couldnâ??t control himself. He just had to play there.

 

He goes back up to Heaven and tells St. Peter that he has decided to stay in Hell so he could play on the Beautiful Golf Course there. When the man returns to Hell, he approaches Satan and asks for a tee time. The devil says that anytime at all, the man could play. No one else uses the course.

 

Chuckling with glee, the man approaches the first tee. He gets out of his beautiful golf cart, reaches for his perfectly matched clubs and selects his driver, reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out his Golden Tee, then frantically searches everywhere for a ball.

 

Satan comes up and the man asks him for a ball.

 

â??Thatâ??s the Hell of it,â? says Satan with a devilish laugh.

 

 

 

 

This man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He calls the bartender over and says, "I'd like to buy those two ladies a drink."

 

The bartender replies, "It won't do you any good."

 

The man, with a confused look on his face says, "It doesn't matter, I want to buy those women a drink."

 

The bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and the ladies acknowledge the drink with a nod of their heads. About a half-hour later, the man approaches the women and says, "I'd like to buy you two another drink."

 

The women both reply, "It won't do you any good."

 

The man says, "I don't understand. What do you mean it won't do me any good?"

 

The first lady says, "We're lesbians."

 

The man replies, "Lesbians? What are lesbians?"

 

The second woman replies, "Lesbians... We like to lick pussys."

 

The man says, "Bartender, three beers for us lesbians."

 

[Torneyboy]

[The_Munchmaster]

The first joke was crap.

[Khun Prasert]

I had so many laughts here, its time to contribute one as well :

 

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, ' Grandma, what 's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. ' It's called sexual intercourse, darling. '

Little Tony said, ' Oh, OK, ' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ' Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mum wants to talk to you. '

 

Edited January 17, 2008 by Guest

[Flashermac]

In a large metropolis, the board of the United Way realised it had never got a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. The chairman, accompanied by a delegation of directors, called on the lawyer in his lavish office high above the teeming streets.

 

The chairman opened the meeting by saying, "We know, from news reports and by your own words, that your income is many millions of dollars per year. Yet we also know that you haven't given a single penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

 

The lawyer thought for a moment and then said, "Did you also know that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills which, without help, are far beyond her ability to pay?"

 

"Uh, no, we didn't know that," admitted the United Way chairman, to a murmur of sympathy from those who accompanied him.

 

"Did you know that my brother is a disabled veteran, blind, confined to a wheelchair and unable, without help, to support his wife and six children?"

 

The United Way leader, deeply moved, began to stammer an apology, but was cut short again.

 

"Did you know that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is physically disabled and another who has learning disabilities that require an array of private tutors she is ill able to afford on her own?"

 

The humiliated United Way executive, completely beaten, said, "I'm so sorry. We had no idea."

 

"So," said the lawyer, "if I don't give any money to them, what make you think I'd give any to you?"

[The_Munchmaster]

Good one Flasher :thumbup:

[Flashermac]

Walking down the street one day a US senator was hit by a truck and died.

 

His soul arrived at the Pearly Gates and was met by St. Peter.

 

"Welcome to heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see politicians around here, so we're not sure what to do with you."

 

"No problem, just let me in," replied the senator.

 

"I'd like to," said St Pete. "But I have my orders from the Boss. What we do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you choose where to spend all eternity."

 

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," said the senator.

 

"Sorry, but those are the rules."

 

St. Peter escorted him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors opened and he found himself in the midst of a beautiful green golf course. In the distance was the clubhouse and standing in front of it were his deceased friends and other the politicians who had worked with him.

 

Everyone looked happy and wore evening dress. They ran to greet him, shaking his hand and reminiscing about the good times they'd had getting rich at the taxpayers' expense.

 

He played a friendly game of golf and then they dined on lobster, caviar and champagne.

 

Also present was the devil, who turned out to be a friendly fellow who liked to dance and tell jokes. They were having such a good time that before the senator realized it, it was time to go.

 

Everyone gave him a hearty farewell and waved as the elevator rose.

 

The lift went up, up, up and the door reopened on heaven, where St. Peter was waiting for him.

 

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

 

The 24 hours passed with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. He had a good time and before he realized it the 24 hours were up.

 

St. Peter returned. "Well, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

 

The senator thought a moment, then answered "Well, I would never have said it before. I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be happier in hell."

 

So St. Peter shrugged and escorted the senator to the elevator. He went down, down, down back to hell.

 

The doors opened and he found himself in the middle of a barren land covered with rubbish and waste. He saw all his friends, now dressed in rags, picking up trash and putting it into black bags as more and more garbage fell on them from above. No one was smiling anymore.

 

The devil came over and put his arm around his shoulder.

 

"I don't understand," stammered the senator. "Yesterday there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

 

The devil looked at him and said, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

 

[Flashermac]

Saw a billboard that said:

 

 

Need help?

Call Jesus

1-800-005-3787

 

So I did. A Mexican showed up with a tow truck.

[The_Munchmaster]

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, itâ??s true.

 

John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

 

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

 

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he

started to pray, begging for his life.

 

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

 

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

 

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

 

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

 

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

 

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other..."Look Bruce.....there's the f*cking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"

[The_Munchmaster]

The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent flier miles, Teddy and his missus (we'll call her Betty) land on Mars.

 

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Betty brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Betty. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

 

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

 

Betty and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie willy - about half an inch long and just quarter inch thick.

 

"I don't think this is going to work," says Betty.

 

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

 

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

 

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

 

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it looks like a long pencil, it's still pretty narrow..."

 

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows Wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

 

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.

 

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"

 

"I hate to say it," says Betty, "but it was damn good. How about you?"

 

"It was horrible," Teddy replies. "She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears. All I got was a headache. "