Any New Jokes

[Torneyboy]

Very good ...

[Hamokhamok]

5 minute management course

 

Lesson 1:

 

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

 

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

 

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

 

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

 

 

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

 

 

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

 

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

 

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

 

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

 

 

 

Moral of the story:

 

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 

 

 

Lesson 2:

 

 

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

 

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

 

The priest nearly had an accident.

 

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

 

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

 

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

 

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

 

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

 

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

 

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

 

 

 

Lesson 3:

 

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

 

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

 

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

 

Puff! He's gone.

 

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

 

 

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

 

Lesson 4

 

 

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

 

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

 

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

 

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 

 

 

 

Lesson 5

 

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

 

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

 

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

 

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

 

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

 

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

 

 

Moral of the story:

Bull Sh * t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

 

 

 

Lesson 6

 

 

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

 

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

 

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

 

The dung was actually thawing him out!

 

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

 

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

 

 

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh*ts o n you is your enemy.

 

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh * t is your

friend.

 

(3) And when you're in deep sh * t, it's best to keep

your mouth shut!

 

 

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

 

[Hamokhamok]

The Colonoscopy

 

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,

trying to decide who was the one in charge.

 

'I should be in charge,' said the brain,

'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'

 

 

'I should be in charge,' said the blood ,

'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'

 

 

 

'I should be in charge,' said the stomach ,

'because I process food and give all of you energy.'

 

 

'I should be in charge,' said the legs,

'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'

 

 

'I should be in charge,' said the eyes,

'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'

 

 

'I should be in charge,' said the rectum,

'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'

 

 

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum

and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days,

the brain had a terrible headache,

the stomach was bloated,

the legs got wobbly,

the eyes got watery,

and the blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The ass hole is usually the one in charge!

 

If you don't send this to at least three people....who gives a shit?

 

 

 

[The_Munchmaster]

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong. Sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

 

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

 

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

 

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

 

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

 

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

 

The receptionist replied, "You've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

 

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.

 

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

 

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

 

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

 

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

 

"And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

 

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

[Torneyboy]

Back to your best

[Flashermac]

Charlie walked into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. He said, "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have headaches."

 

His wife was lying in bed and replied, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

 

Charlie answered, "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."

 

 

[The_Munchmaster]

The General Managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) were at a national beer conference.

 

They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.

 

The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation, 'I'll have a Tooheys New.'

 

The General Manager of Cascade smiles and says, 'I'll have a Cascade Draught, brewed from pure mountain water.'

 

The General Manager of Coopers proudly says, 'I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers.'

 

The bloke from CUB says, 'I'll have a Carlton Draught, the cleanest draught on the planet.'

 

The General Manager from XXXX glances at his lunch mates and says, 'I'll have a Diet Coke.'

 

The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head.

 

He just shrugs and says, 'Well if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I.'

[Khun Prasert]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males , 2 Females," he replied.

"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

 

[Torneyboy]

The General Managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) were at a national beer conference.

 

They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.

 

The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation, 'I'll have a Tooheys New.'

 

The General Manager of Cascade smiles and says, 'I'll have a Cascade Draught, brewed from pure mountain water.'

 

The General Manager of Coopers proudly says, 'I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers.'

 

The bloke from CUB says, 'I'll have a Carlton Draught, the cleanest draught on the planet.'

 

The General Manager from XXXX glances at his lunch mates and says, 'I'll have a Diet Coke.'

 

The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head.

 

He just shrugs and says, 'Well if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I.'

 

 

A Queenslander ....just like our new goose of a PM

[Khun Prasert]

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."