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An old man went to the Wizard and asked him if he could remove a curse he had been living with for 40 years.


The Wizard answered, "I think so, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."


The old man replied without hesitation: "I now pronounce you man and wife."


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A Jewish man went to see his Rabbi. "Reb," he said, "something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."


The Rabbi asked, "So what is it?"


The man replied, "I think my wife is trying to poison me!"


The Rabbi asked "How can that be?"


The man pleaded, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's kill me! What should I do?"


The Rabbi said, "Tell you what I'm gonna do. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."


A week later the Rabbi called the man. He said, "Well, I talked to your Mrs. I spoke to her on the phone for over three hours. I could hardly get a word in."


"And?" the man asked anxiously.


"You want my advice?" the Rabbi said in a serious voice.


"Yes, of course!"


The Rabbi said, "Take the poison."




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A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Glasgow and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more.


"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.


The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies, "Uh - yes here it is...OK, the job entails you getting the female patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub ins oothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist' sexamination.


There's an annual salary of £45,000 but I'm afraid you'll have to go to London."


"Oh why, is that where the job's based?"


"No - that's where the end of the queue is."

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The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush. They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.


President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."


The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black, Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs."


"My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Syrians or Iraqis on Star Trek."


President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "Because it takes place in the future."

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There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.


Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.


"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.


After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.


While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.


Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.


"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.


The chicken is leaning against the headboard with a satisfied smile on its face.


The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."


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Robert Gates briefed the President this morning.


He told Mr. Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.


To everyoneâ??s amazement, all of the color ran from Bushâ??s face, then he collapsed on his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.


Finally he composed himself, looked up and asked, â??Just exactly how many is a brazilian?â?Â



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