Any New Jokes

[Mekong]

I am not sure if this should be in this thread or Munchies "Anyone want to loose some weight" thread.

 

 

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

 

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!

 

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

 

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."

 

"From hunger, you mean?"

 

"No, from de bloody skippin'!!!!!"

 

 

[Hugh_Hoy]

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House.

 

The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

 

Washington says, "Never tell a lie,"

 

Ouch! Says Hillary, I don't know about that.

 

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

 

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people,"

 

Ho! I really don't want to do that.

 

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

 

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

 

 

[bust]

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.

 

"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny. "Nope," replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Again Jimmy says, "Nope." "'You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."

 

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.

 

That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.

 

His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily, "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied. "Fine," his father said. "Stand in the corner, but keep quiet."

[The_Munchmaster]

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, do you have

any books on suicide?"

 

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "Feck off, you'll no bring it back!"

[The_Munchmaster]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

 

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

 

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

 

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and Iâ??ll inherit 20 million dollars."

 

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

 

[The_Munchmaster]

A man, getting on in years, finds that he is unable to perform in the bedroom. So he goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.

 

Finally, as a last resort, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.

 

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

 

Then the African medicine man says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it ONCE a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

 

The man then asks "What happens when it's over and I don't want to continue?"

 

The medicine man replies "When your partner can take no more and is completely exhausted, all she has to say is '1234' and it will then go down. But be warned, it will not rise again for another whole year!"

 

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave.

 

He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife and says "123" and he feels a sudden movement in his trouser department, just as the medicine man promised.

 

His wife turns over and asks "What did you say '123' for?"

[The_Munchmaster]

During a visit to a mental institution the visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

 

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

 

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

 

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[The_Munchmaster]

Women's Institute National Conference

 

The first speaker, a lady from Nottingham, stood up and said, 'During last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband Trevor that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing, but on the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb' (the crowd cheered).

 

The second speaker from York, stood up and said 'After last year's conference I went home and told my husband Ivan that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing, but on the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well' (the crowd again cheered).

 

The third speaker from Glasgow, stood up and said 'After last years conference I went home and told that lazy bastard husband of mine, that I was no longer picking up his beer cans, cooking his food and washing his undies and that he was gonna have to do them himself (the crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).

 

She continued.....'After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing but after the third day I could see a little bit outta my left eye.'

[Torneyboy]

Funny :thumbup:

[teddy]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's enjoying it, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, he somehow swallows it whole.

 

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

 

The guy says, "No, what?"

 

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little [oops]. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

 

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

 

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

 

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

 

"No, what?" replies the guy.

 

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it!" says the bartender.

 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."