Jump to content

Any New Jokes


Recommended Posts

A guy was driving his truck along the interstate, when he admitted to his wife that he had screwed around on her. She proceeded to cut his penis off with a hunting knife, and throw it out the window.


The penis whizzed through the air and landed momentarily with a "SPLAT" on the windshield of the car behind, before sliding off. The little girl who was riding with her father yelled, "Daddy! Ew, what was that? I'm scared."


Her father said, "Don't worry honey, it was only a bug."


His daughter said, "Wow, that bug really had a huge dick!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"


The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes."


"I'm sorry, sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."


The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.


The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.


"Marge," whispered Mildred.


"What?" said Marge.


"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."


"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.


"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.


"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "At our age we've seen 'em all."


"I thought so," said Mildred, "but this one's eating my popcorn!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."


The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."


The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this shit. I gotta go home and screw the cat."


Link to comment
Share on other sites

Conversation between a woman and her husband


Woman: "If I died would you remarry?"


Husband: "No, certainly not."


Woman: "Why, is being married that bad?"


Husband: "No, of course it isn't, so yes, I suppose I would remarry if you died."


Woman: "Would she live in our house?"


Husband: "Yes, I suppose so."


Woman: "Would she sleep in our bed?"


Husband: "Yes, after all where else would she sleep?"


Woman: "Would she wear my jewelry?"


Husband: "Yes, if she liked it."


Woman: "Would she play with my golf clubs?"


Husband: "No, she's left handed." :doah:


Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.


They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.


The angel said 'Unfortunately, there 's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted.'


The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to H eaven. Dolly took off her top and said, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'


The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.


The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.


The Angel immediately said, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.'


Dolly was outraged and asked, 'What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?


'Sorry, Dolly,' said the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.'

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Create New...