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A young boy was playing with his train set when his mum overhears him from the kitchen..

 

â??All you bastards getting off, fuck off, all you bastards getting on, fucking hurry upâ?Â,

 

Mum scolds him and sends him to his bedroom for 2 hours until he learns to be nice.

 

When he starts playing again 2 hours later, mum hears him say..

 

â??Those disembarking, please mind the gap and have a nice day, those boarding, please enjoy your journeyâ?Â

 

Mum smiles, until she hears,

 

â??and those upset at the 2 hour delay, blame the fat cunt in the kitchenâ?Â

 

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Do you know how copper wire was invented?

 

Two Scotsmen fighting over a penny!

 

Cheers,

SD

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This morning on the way to work, whilst not really paying attention, I rear ended a car at some lights.

 

Anyway, the fella who was driving the car I hit got out.....and he was a dwarf!!!!

 

He said, "I'm not happy."

 

I said, "Well which one are you then?"

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Down in Georgia, Bubba called a lawyer and asked him, "Is it true they'uns is suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?"

 

"Yes, it's true," said the lawyer.

 

"And ah hear someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' 'em fat an' cloggin their arteries with all them burgers and fried chicken. Is that so, Mista Lawyer?"

 

"Yes, it is."

 

"And that lady what sued McDonalds fer millions when she spilt hot coffee what she ordered?"

 

"Yep, it's true."

 

"An' that football player that sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read and write?"

 

"You've got," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking all this anyway?"

 

"Well, ah got thankin'. Now what ah want to know is kin ah sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women ah done slept with?"

 

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A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

 

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he shagged her senseless.

 

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

 

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

 

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the shagging resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"

 

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

 

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

 

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

 

She paused for a second, frowned, looking totally perplexed and replied, "No."

 

Guido prayed to the gods and from somewhere managed to summon another boner. Dragging himslef on top of her he managed to shag her again but this time feeling like he was going to slip into unconsciousness. Exhausted and barely able to speak he whispered, "you finish?"

 

Barely able to speak herself, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

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A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

 

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."

 

"This one's kind of strange..."

 

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

 

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

 

"I see."

 

"That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl."

 

"That night," she went on, "I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters ! Youve got to tell me what's wrong with

me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"

 

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."

 

"You're simply going through the change!

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A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

 

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

 

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

 

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.

 

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

 

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half."

 

The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

 

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

 

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

 

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

 

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