Any New Jokes

[Torneyboy]

Oh dear...

[Mekong]

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

 

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You got Male!"

 

[teddy]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the Assistant for some rectum deodorant.

 

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

 

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

 

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!"

 

"But I always buy it here," says the blonde. "

 

Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.

 

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

 

She returns with the container and hands it to the Pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

 

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.....

 

"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

 

[The_Munchmaster]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

 

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

 

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

 

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

 

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

 

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'

 

The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

 

Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?'

 

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

 

'That's great', said Little Johnnie, 'coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses'.

[The_Munchmaster]

An Aussie and a Kiwi were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

 

After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi "If I was to sneak over to your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"

 

"The Kiwi crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

 

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about being related, but it would certainly make us even."

[The_Munchmaster]

A boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

 

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.

 

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

 

The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

 

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

 

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heart beat! Are you nuts?!?"

 

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

 

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

 

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, and then went back to his dad.

 

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?

 

The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a poof."

[Torneyboy]

Nice one

[teddy]

Which one

[The_Munchmaster]

Good point Teddy, I posted three jokes.

[Torneyboy]

The one about the guy from Scotland and the Kiwi..