Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
bust

Any New Jokes

Recommended Posts

The popular urban legend about the kind hearted farmer who over pays his help to the point that his own return is negligible... in reality he sits on the toy shelf with Pinocchio and Dumbo the flying elephant.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A Swiss man is looking for directions, and he pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

 

"Entschuldigung, k=F6nnen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.

 

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. They continue to stare.

 

"Praat julle Afrikaans?" The Americans just look at each other.

 

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

 

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

 

Disgusted, the Swiss guy drives off.

 

One American guy turns to other and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

 

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew five languages and it didn't do him no good either."

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

All the uneducated computers around the world (except ours of course) can not handle the o with the two dots on it. So we have to write "koennen" if we mean "können".

 

Got it?

 

Have a great day, waiting on more of your goodies (jokes I mean of course!)

 

MaW

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

 

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

 

Finally, the old gentleman decided to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

 

"I would like it infrequently" she replied.

 

The fellow sat quietly for a moment and adjusted his glasses. Then he leaned over towards her and asked, "Is that one word or two?"

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Supposedly true Walmart application from a 75 year old geezer

 

 

 

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

 

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

 

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available . If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place

 

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

 

EDUCATION: Yes.

 

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

 

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

 

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

 

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

 

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

 

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

 

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment .

 

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

 

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

 

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

 

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

 

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

 

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

 

NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles

 

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dave goes round to Jim's house to visit him as he's just home from hospital after an operation. Jim is lying on the couch and after chatting for a while Jim asks Dave to pop upstairs to get his slippers.

 

Upstairs, Dave sees Jim's two teenage daughters lying on their bed. So he tells them that Jim has sent him upstairs to fu*k them both.They both look at him incredulous and say they don't believe him. So he says, he'll prove it and shouts down to Jim - "Both of them Jim " and Jim replies "What's the use in fookin one"!

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Residents in Farnborough UK have been asked not to leave their landing lights on when they go holiday!:cover:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A lot of you might have heard this one but here it is for the benefit of those that haven't.

A short poem by Sir Paul Macartney

I laid her on the grassy bank,my hands were all a quiver.

I undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...