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TEN REASONS MEN PREFER GUNS OVER WOMEN

 

 

10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

 

9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

 

8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

 

7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another for a backup.

 

6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammunition.

 

5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

 

4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

 

3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

 

2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

 

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman.

 

1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!

 

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Three women, one engaged, one married and one a mistress, were chatting about their relationships and decided to surprise their man. That night all three would wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

 

After a few days they met for lunch. Here's what they had to say.

 

The engaged woman: When my boyfriend came over, he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my life. I love you." Then we fucked all night long.

 

The mistress: Me too! I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

 

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door, he looked at me and said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"

 

 

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Jokes to Offend Everyone

 

 

What is a Yankee?

 

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

 

 

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?

 

The position of the dirt bag

 

 

Why is divorce so expensive?

 

Because it's worth it.

 

 

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

 

Doughnuts

 

 

What do you call a smart blonde?

 

A golden retriever.

 

 

What do attorneys use for birth control?

 

Their personalities.

 

 

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

 

10 years and 45 lbs

 

 

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

 

45 minutes

 

 

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

 

Through his chest with a sharp knife

 

 

Why do men want to marry virgins?

 

They can't stand criticism.

 

 

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

 

Because those men already have boyfriends.

 

 

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

 

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

 

 

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

 

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

 

 

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

 

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

 

 

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

 

"Are you sure it's mine?"

 

 

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

 

Mace will do that to you.

 

 

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Tennessee?

 

Everyone has the same DNA.

 

 

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

 

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

 

 

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

 

A different bar.

 

 

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?

 

They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

 

 

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

 

A speech impediment

 

 

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

 

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

 

 

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?

 

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

 

 

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

 

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..."

 

A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit ...

 

 

 

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A Few Scouse (Liverpool, where Teddy comes from) Jokes.

 

scouseplane.jpg

A plane at John Lennon (Liverpool) Airport.

 

----------

 

What do you say to a scouser with a job?

"Big mac and fries, please."

 

----------

 

What do you call a scouser in a suit?

The accused.

 

----------

 

What do you call a scouse girl in a white shellsuit?

The bride.

 

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Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty scousers showed up.

 

Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous from the group.

 

A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone."

 

"What? All of the Scousers are gone?" asked God.

 

"No" replied Saint Peter "The Pearly Gates!"

 

----------

 

If you see a Scouser on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him?

 

Because it might be your bike!

 

----------

 

Two boys are playing football in the park when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck.

 

All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition.

 

He writes, "Manchester City fan saves friend from vicious animal."

 

The boy interrupts: "But I'm not a City fan."

 

The reporter starts again: "Manchester United fan saves friend from horrific attack."

 

The boy interrupts again: "I'm not a United fan either."

 

The reporter asks: "Who do you support, then?"

 

"Liverpool," replies the boy.

 

The reporter starts again: "Scouse b*****d kills family pet"

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Bob Hope was on 'Surprise Surprise', and bragged that despite his 97 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. After the show, Cilla said, "Bob, if I'm not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place." So they go back to her place and have great sex.

 

Afterwards, Bob says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for a half hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand." Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."

 

He sleeps for half an hour,awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Bob says, " Cilla , that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand."

 

Cilla once again says, "Great Bob, but tell me, does my holding your testicles in my left hand and your penis in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?"

 

Bob replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a Scouser, she stole my wallet!"

 

 

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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

 

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

 

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

 

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

 

'You're joking!' was the response.

 

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

 

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

 

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!

 

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

 

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

 

'Can you do two for me now?'

 

'Sure, what do you want?'

 

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'

 

'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

 

The hit man took the rifle and took aim , standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

 

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

 

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'

 

 

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I love this one:::

Election Joke

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said, "Julia I

have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters.""

Good idea Opposition Leader, how will we go about it?" said Julia."Well,"

said Rudd, "we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats, some RM

Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat, oh and a Blue Cattle dog.

Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country

pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush."" Right ,"said Julia.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Blue heeler, they set off

from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at

just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. Walked

in with the dog and up to the bar."G,day mate," said Rudd, to the bartender,

"two

middies of your best beer.""Good afternoon Opposition Leader," said the

bartender, "two middies of our best coming up".

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting,

nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog

lay quietly at their feet.All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar

opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip. He

walked up to the Cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked

underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few

moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to

the dog and, lifted it's tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and

went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next hour or so another

four or five stockmen came in and, lifted the dogs tail and went away

looking puzzled.

Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the Barman

over."Tell me," said Rudd, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look

under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?" "Strewth no!"

said the barman. "It's just that someone went 'n told 'em there was a cattle

dog in this bar with two arseholes!"

 

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