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Three ministers - a Presbyterian, a Baptist and a Methodist - and their wives were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship. All of them drowned, and next thing you know, they were standing before St. Peter.

 

First in line was the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly and said, "I can't let you in. You were moral and upright, but you loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

 

St. Peter waved sadly, and poof! Down the chute to the 'Other Place' they went.

 

Then came the Baptist. "Sorry, can't let you in either," said Saint Peter. "You abstained from liquor and dancing and cards, but you loved food too much. You loved food so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

 

Sadly, St. Peter waved again, and wham! Down the chute went the Baptists.

 

The Methodist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "This doesn't look too good, Fanny."

 

 

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A dwarf woman goes to the doctors.

 

The doctor says "What can I do for you?"

 

The dwarf woman says "Doctor, everytime it rains my fanny gets sore."

 

The doctor doesnâ??t understand and asks her to explain.

 

So she says "I donâ??t know what it is, but everytime itâ??s raining, my fanny fucking kills me."

 

The doctor says "Well Iâ??ll tell you what, come back and see me when itâ??s raining and Iâ??ll have a look."

 

A couple of days later itâ??s pissing down and the dwarf womanâ??s back at the doctors."

 

"Right," he says. "Hop on to the bench and Iâ??ll take a look at you."

 

So she gets on the bench and the doctor examines her.

 

Then he goes and gets his scalpel.

 

He comes back and says "Ok, I just need to do a couple of cuts here and there."

 

Then he tells her to stand up and asks "Howâ??s that?"

 

"Excellent,doctor! What did you do?"

 

He says "Oh, I just took a couple of inches off the top of your wellies."

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>A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem.

>

>He was unable to get his penis erect.

>

>The doctor checked him out, then told him that the muscles around the

>base of his penis were

>

>damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was nothing he

>could actually do for him.

>

>However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if the

>man was willing to take the risk.

>

>The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's

 

>trunk into the man's penis.

>

>The man thought about it for a while.

>

>The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again

>was just too much for him to bear.

>

>So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect

 

>on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

>

>A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go try

 

>out his newly renovated equipment.

>

>As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took

 

>her to one of the nicest restaurants in town.

>

>However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs

>that continued to the point of being extremely painful.

>

>To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his penis immediately

>sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll

>

>and then returned to his trousers.

>

>His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her

>face said, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?

>

>" With tears in his eyes, he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure

>if another bread roll will fit up my arse..."

>

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A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jew at a small stand selling ties.

 

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

 

The Jew replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

 

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

 

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

 

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

 

Several hours later he staggered back.

 

"Your fucking brother won't let me in without a tie."

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It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

 

Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

 

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and Invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.

 

That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

 

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?" "Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

 

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

 

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

 

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

 

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

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