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Ages and women:

 

 

 

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

 

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

 

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

 

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

 

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

 

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

 

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

 

At 78 - If you can get her out of bed, that's another story!

 

 

 

 

 

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It was the final test for CIA agent selection selection. The CIA agents took one of the applicants to a large metal door and handed him a revolver.

 

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

 

The man replied, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".

 

"Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

 

A second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. Then came out with tears in his eyes.

 

"I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

 

"You don't have what it takes," they said. "Take your wife and go home."

 

Finally, it was a woman's turn. She was given the same instructions - kill her husband!

 

She took the pistol and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

 

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

 

"This gun was loaded with blanks!" she said. "I had to beat the SOB to death with the chair."

 

 

MORAL: Women are mean. Don't mess with them!

 

:beer:

 

 

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A man is walking in the city when he is accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking tramp, who then asks for a couple of pounds for dinner.

 

The man takes £2 out of his pocket and asks: "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

 

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the tramp says.

 

"Will you use it to gamble?"

 

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

 

"Will you spend the money on green fees at a golf course?"

 

"Are you mad? I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

 

The man says: "Well, I'm not going to give you £2. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific meal cooked by my wife."

 

The tramp is astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

 

The man replies: "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling and golf."

 

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A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich right behind him.

 

The waitress stared, but finally asked them for their orders.

 

The man said, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." He turned to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

 

"I'll have the same," said the ostrich.

 

A short time later the waitress returned with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact change for payment.

 

The next day, the man and the ostrich came again. The man said, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

 

The ostrich added, "I'll have the same."

 

Again, when the bill came the man reached into his pocket and paid with exact change.

 

A few days later, the man and ostrich came again. "The usual?" asked the waitress.

 

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad."

 

"Same," said the ostrich.

 

The waitress brought the order. "That will be $32.62."

 

The man took the exact change from his pocket and placed it on the table.

 

The waitress couldn't contain her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me for asking, sir. How do you manage to have the exact change every time?"

 

"Well," said the man, "some years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found a very old looking brass lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

 

"That's brilliant!" replied the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

 

"That's right. Whether it's a loaf of bread or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there."

 

The waitress asked, "But what's with the ostrich?"

 

The man sighed, paused a moment and then answered. "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

 

 

 

 

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