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A man is walking in the city when he is accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking tramp, who then asks for a couple of pounds for dinner.

 

The man takes £2 out of his pocket and asks: "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

 

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the tramp says.

 

"Will you use it to gamble?"

 

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

 

"Will you spend the money on green fees at a golf course?"

 

"Are you mad? I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

 

The man says: "Well, I'm not going to give you £2. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific meal cooked by my wife."

 

The tramp is astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

 

The man replies: "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling and golf."

 

The man replies: "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling and golf."

 

:grinyes:

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The Blind Bunny

 

 

 

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

 

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

 

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

 

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

 

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'

 

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'

 

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

 

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls... You must be a POLITICIAN.'

 

:beer:

 

 

 

 

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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

 

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'

 

He slams the door and returns to bed.

 

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

 

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

 

'Did you help him?' she asks.

 

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

 

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

 

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

 

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

 

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

 

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

 

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

 

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

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A very old couple that have been married forever are sitting on their porch one night. Suddenly, the old woman reaches over and smacks her husband knocking him off the porch and into the bushes.

 

He crawls back up and asks, 'What was that for?'

 

She says, 'For having a little donger.'

 

He sits there quietly a moment, then smacks her, sending her off the other side of the porch and into the bushes.

 

She crawls back and says, 'What was that for?'

 

He says, 'For knowing there was more than one size.'

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I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless.

 

It had to be deliberate.

 

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

 

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

 

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

 

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

 

 

And the moral of this story is:

 

 

Always keep your condoms in your car.

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All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight a'safety lecture' and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

 

 

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!'

 

2. On a Continental Flight with a very 'senior' flight attendant crew, the pilot said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.'

 

3. On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

 

4.'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

 

5.'Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.'

 

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella. WHOA!'

 

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.'

 

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: 'Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa .. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.'

 

9.'In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.'

 

10. 'Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.'

 

11. 'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'

 

12. 'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses'

 

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: 'Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!'

 

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'

 

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

 

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

 

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?' 'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?' The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

 

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

 

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways'

 

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

 

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!' A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine.'

 

 

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Why do they call it "PMS"?

Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken!

 

 

Cheers,

SD

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